THE BOOK OF DAMN
YANKEES
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF MANIFEST DESTINY
Taft wants to sit on the trusts
Chapter 61
However peculiar his qualifications were, Roosevelt turned out to be a great president,
2Unless he was really a superficial jingoistic jerk instead,
3Which is hard to say,
4bBecause he wasn’t born in a log cabin,
5cAnd didn’t even spit tobacco juice on the carpet.
6Even so, Teddy had a big dstick,
7Which he needed to threaten everybody with,
8Because the Yanks now had a foreign policy consisting of not taking anything from anybody,
9eExcept immigrants, of course,
10Who were needed in the factories.
11Teddy also tried to use his stick on the ftrusts,
12gBecause nobody trusted them anymore,
13And thought they should be busted,
14hFor some reason.
15It was also Teddy who built the Panama Canal,
16Including iappropriating the land from some jindigent Spic country in Central America,
17And commissioning the slogan that got the Yanks to support the project,
18Namely, “A man, a plan, a canal—Panama,”
19Which is special because it reads the same way even if you hold it up to a mirror,
20Or something.
21But after the canal was built, Teddy got tired of being president,
22And told everybody to elect someone named kWilliam Howard Taft,
23Who weighed four hundred pounds,
24And wanted to sit on the trusts,
25Just to make sure.
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Chapter 61 / 154