THE BOOK OF DAMN
YANKEES
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF MANIFEST DESTINY
The Yanks decide to have a foreign policyTeddy Roosevelt gets famous
Chapter 59
And so it happened that the Yanks helped open up xJapan,
2aWith the help of bCommodore Perry,
3Who convinced the Nips that Yanks were nice guys,
4And even if they weren’t all that nice,
5cThey had bigger guns than any of the little Oriental monkeys had,
6dWhich explains why the Yanks and the Nips got to be such great friends over the years.
7eThe Yanks also tagged along with the Brits when the British Empire decided to open up China,
8fBecause the Yanks had gotten a lot of practice dealing with Chinks when they bought a bunch of them to build the transcontinental railroad a few years back,
9gWhich meant the Yanks might be useful if the Brits had any race relations problems,
10Even though the Brits never had any race relations problems,
11hSince the only race the Brits thought had any rights at all was the Brit race,
12Which made everything very simple.
13When they saw that the Brits didn’t really want their help,
14The Yanks tried a little freelance icolonizing,
15And rescued the jPhilippines from the Spanish,
16Which was getting to be kind of a habit,
17kSince the Yanks had already rescued Texas and California and Florida and other places from the Spics,
18And had the whole procedure pretty well figured out,
19lIncluding the rescue of Cuba.
20Which always seems to need rescuing,
21For some reason.
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Chapter 59 / 154