THE BOOK OF DAMN
YANKEES
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF MANIFEST DESTINY
The south plunges into a new era
Chapter 55
President Grant retired after his second term,
2Which every U.S. president has done,
3cExcept one,
4And went home to think over his illustrious career,
5Until he died.
6That left it up to a new president to decide whether or not the south had been reconstructed enough yet,
7Which it apparently had,
8Because the new president told the south that they were on their own now,
9And would have to make do without any more carpetbaggers,
10Because it was time to turn over a new leaf,
11And stop living in the past,
12dAnd get on with things,
13eWhich is the American Way.
14And so the south plunged boldly forward into a fnew era,
15gAnd rebuilt their plantations,
16And hired a bunch of hex-slaves to pick cotton on them,
17Because it had become kind of illegal for ex-slaves to do anything else,
18Including vote,
19Or hold public office,
20Or be a witness in court,
21iOr use any public facilities of any kind,
22Or own property,
23jOr have a trial before being executed,
24Or talk to white women without being executed,
25Or look at white women without being executed,
26Or strike a white man without being executed,
27Or be uppity in any way without being executed,
28kUnless they got lynched first.
29Even so, things stayed pretty tough in the south,
30And a lot of lsouthern gentlemen had to find new professions,
31mBecause they didn’t own any land or slaves anymore,
32nWhich is why so many of them eventually decided to be drunken southern novelists and playwrights,
33And write about how otragic it was to be an pimpoverished aristocrat in the desolate south
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Chapter 55 / 154