THE BOOK OF DAMN
YANKEES
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF MANIFEST DESTINY
Grant keeps on thinkingLee feels like a grandfather
Chapter 44
What the north did to the south after Grant became the union commander was destroy it,
2Pretty thoroughly.
3What happened was, Grant thought about Lincoln’s plan to end the Civil War,
4cFor four or five cases of whiskey,
5dAnd came up with the idea that if you could win by destroying enough of the enemy’s troops,
6You might win even faster if you destroyed everything the enemy had,
7Until they had nothing left to fight you with,
8At all,
9Including not even a single bullet to shoot,
10Or a single rifle to shoot with,
11Or even a single potato to eat.
12Grant didn’t name this new kind of war after himself,
13For some reason,
14Which is why it came to be called other names instead,
15Including total war,
16eAnd modern war,
17And other names too,
18Especially in the south, where they got to know this kind of war pretty well.
19After he got his bright idea,
20Grant needed someone to execute it for him,
21Since he was too busy drinking,
22fThat is, thinking,
23To actually go do it himself.
24So he picked a general named gSherman,
25hWho thought that war was hell,
26iAnd was just dying for a chance to prove it.
27He got his chance when Grant told him to march to the sea,
28jAll the way from somewhere or other,
29To the coast of Georgia,
30Without leaving anything standing anywhere in between.
31General Sherman did this so well that all the ksouthern women had to make dresses out of curtains,
32And eat nothing but old roots from the garden,
33Because those were the only things the union troops didn’t burn down,
34Or knock down,
35Or tear up,
36Or track their feet on,
37Between somewhere and the sea.
38They also burned down lAtlanta,
39And some other cities too,
40Including maybe Charleston,
41Unless it was someplace else.
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Chapter 44 / 154