THE BOOK OF DAMN
YANKEES
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF MANIFEST DESTINY
The Yanks discover Manifest DestinyThe fascinations of dirt
Chapter 28
Thanks to Manifest Destiny, the Yanks managed to appropriate hCalifornia from the Spanish
2Which was really a shame for the Spics,
3iWho had spent the last several hundred years ransacking large chunks of two continents in search of gold,
4Only to get kicked out of the place where all the gold was,
5Namely, California,
6Before they figured out that it was there.
7jAnd so the Yanks got all the gold,
8kWhich is the way things go when you have Manifest Destiny on your side,
9lAnd enough poor white trash to sift every ounce of dirt in the state.
10In fact, the Yanks had enough poor white trash to sift almost all of the dirt in the west,
11Which is why they also found silver in Colorado and mNevada,
12And a bunch of other stuff in other places,
13Until suddenly everybody thought that dirt was just the greatest thing ever,
14And went out west to get some of their own.
15Fortunately for the Yanks, there was absolutely no shortage of dirt out west.
16In fact, there was so much of it that even the streets were paved with dirt,
17Which turned out to be a good thing,
18Because neveryone who went west was wearing a osix-gun,
19And when they got killed,
20pWhich a lot of them did,
21It was easy to dig a hole in the dirt wherever they were,
22And put them in it,
23With their boots on,
24So their socks wouldn’t get dirty,
25Or something like that.
26Anyway, this period of Yank history was terribly exciting and romantic,
27qNot to mention extremely profitable for all the capitalists who were making guns and bullets and shovels back east,
28aWhich maybe explains why so many perfectly contented Yanks in the east kept shouting, “Go west, young man,” whenever they ran into somebody who was too dirty and rowdy to put to work in a factory.
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Chapter 28 / 154