THE BOOK OF DAMN
YANKEES
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF MANIFEST DESTINY
Madison deals with a hot potatoThe Yanks compromise Missouri
Chapter 20
Beating the Brits also helped the dJeffersonian democrats get another president elected,
2Whose name was eMonroe,
3And who was hard to distinguish from fMadison,
4Since they were both Virginians,
5Both had James for a first name,
6And both had a last name that began with an g“M.”
7But it was Monroe who had to deal with the Missouri problem, which had to do with hslavery,
8And ieconomics,
9And was thus a hot potato,
10Which is a Yank term for any issue that might require thought and foresight to resolve,
11jAnd therefore probably can’t be resolved by Yanks.
12kHere’s what happened.
13All in all, the Yanks were doing pretty well for themselves financially,
14lExcept for the way the economy kept collapsing into a major depression every few years,
15mWhich had something to do with the banking laws,
16nSomething too complicated to remember,
17That would become a ohot potato later.
18pAnyway, with the exception of all the depressions,
19The Yanks in the northern “states,”
20As the colonies were now calling themselves,
21Were doing pretty good business in a bunch of industries,
22Such as qgun powder and textiles,
23And didn’t see why the nation needed any more slaves,
24rSince there were a lot of poor white Yanks who were willing to work pretty hard for practically nothing.
25In the south, on the other hand, the plantation owners were doing a pretty good business selling scotton and ttobacco to the Brits,
26uAnd they didn’t know how all the cotton and tobacco would get picked if slaves didn’t do it,
27vBecause they knew they weren’t going to do it,
28Since that would have meant getting off their whorse and getting their hands dirty.
29This difference of opinion caused some problems when other parts of the south decided they wanted to be a state,
30xNamely, Missouri,
31So that they could all be free and democratic,
32yWhich is the American Way,
33And how could they become states if they weren’t allowed to keep their slaves?
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Chapter 20 / 154