ULTRA-HARRIER TONY’S CHAIN LETTER · TO THE
SWARTHMORONS
Enclose another ten dollarsDon’t forget the ten dollars
Chapter PS
Yes, that’s right, dear Swarthmorons,
2We do have a fascinating little postscript for you,
3Which could change your life as you try to make your way up the dchain,
4eBecause if you enclose another ten dollars with your letter,
5We’ll send you the enormously informative ‘Intellectual Lifestyle Handbook,’
6Which is just crammed with useful tips on how to impress all your most intellectual friends,
7While protecting yourself from the fdangers of thinking at the same time!
8Sound impossible?
9gWell, that’s because you haven’t sent the ten dollars yet,
10Which you really should do,
11Because these are tips that aren’t available to all Harriers,
12hBut only to a select few,
13Like yourselves.
14For example, you’ll learn which car is right for the committed intellectual who hates cars,
15iIncluding even the very difficult choice between Volkswagens and Volvos.
16You’ll learn a few simple tips about how to dress for success in the intellectual community,
17Such as Tip No. 1,
18Which is to dress like a jKensingtonian and then just add a beard and a corduroy jacket for that little extra je ne sais quoi that makes all the difference.
19And that’s not all you’ll get for your aten dollars,
20Because you’ll also learn how to pick an academic bspecialty so narrow that no one will ever ask you the cbig hard questions,
21Like “What does it all mean?”
22And “Why should we go on for another lousy day?”
23Because you don’t need your life complicated with a lot of esoteric paradoxes,
24Especially when it’s so much easier to sit back in your dcorduroy jacket,
25eAnd just pretend to have the lowdown on everything,
26Which is still another of the amazing things you’ll learn for the paltry sum of ften dollars.
27For example, when you send in your gten dollars, you’ll also receive dozens of useful tips about how to use the intellectual’s most feared communications weapons, namely,
28hRidicule,
29iAnd contempt,
30Which are all you’ll ever need to dismiss everybody else’s ideas,
31Without thinking about them at all,
32Just like thousands of great intellectuals have done before you,
33As they worked their way up the chain.
34Can you afford to be without the ‘Intellectual Lifestyle Handbook’?
35Not if you ever expect to get tenure, that’s for sure.
36So mail your letter today,
37jAnd don’t forget the ten dollars!
38Comprenez, mes cher amies?
39Très très bien.
✦ · · ✦ · · ✦
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