THE BOOK OF
PSAYINGS
Idiots never think of anybody elseKnots come in handy sometimes
Psaying 5J
J is for Jokes, which every man worth his salt knows a lot of,
2Because they break the ice when you’re meeting people for the first time,
3Which is why it’s good there are so many different kinds of jokes,
4dIncluding jokes about how much the Micks like to drink and beat up women,
5eAnd how much Catholics like to eat fish,
6fAnd how stupid the Pollocks are,
7gAnd how miserly and self-pitying the Jews are,
8hAnd how penny-pinching and rude the Scotch are,
9iAnd how obsessed with sex and food the French are,
10jAnd how snobbish and humorless the English are,
11kAnd how greasy and violent Italians are, the American Italians, that is,
12lAnd how excitable and cowardly the Italian Italians are,
13mAnd how dumb the Dutch are,
14nAnd how arrogant and power-hungry the Germans are,
15oAnd how sneaky and unimaginative the Japs are,
16pAnd how fertile and funny-sounding the Chinese are,
17qAnd how filthy and backward the Arabs are,
18rAnd how violent and pompous the Spanish are,
19sAnd how violent and stupid the Mexicans are,
20tAnd how violent and filthy Puerto Ricans are,
21uAnd how boastful and ignorant Russians are,
22vAnd how boastful and nouveau riche Texans are,
23wAnd how inbred and ignorant hillbillies are,
24xAnd how bluenosed and snobbish Bostonians are,
25yAnd how boring and rural midwesterners are,
26zAnd how lazy and alcoholic southerners are,
27aAnd how slow and lazy negroes are,
28bAnd how vicious and lazy crackers are,
29cAnd how scatterbrained and illogical women are,
30dAnd how cruel and greedy lawyers are,
31eNot to mention knock-knock jokes,
32fAnd jokes about how awful a place Philadelphia is to visit,
33gWhich aren’t always all that funny,
34But are sometimes safer if you don’t know for sure that there aren’t any Micks or Pollocks or French or English or Jews or Scotch or negroes or women or lawyers or people like that in your audience,
35hUnless you’re fond of dirty jokes,
36Which you’d better not be,
37Because personally I find dirty jokes offensive.
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Psaying 5J / 32