The Boomer BibleA Testament for Our Times · by R. F. Laird
THE ORDER FOR

Daily Morning Brayer

The Chosen One shall begin the Morning Brayer by reading one or more of the
following Sentences.
Frère Jacques, frère Jacques, something something, something les matines, something les matines, ding dang dong, ding dang dong. Psomethings 31.1-6
I, Willie, had also done what I was supposed to do, and had hired a bunch of people to come up with a bunch of great-sounding words for Harriers to say, and all was in readiness for the establishment of the Pontifical Harrier Parish in the United States, including all the instructions and words for the Orders of Morning and Evening Brayer. Exploits 33.8-11.
It’s the early bird that gets the worm. Psayings 5A.34
And so I say to you, come to Harry, and be the way you are, and stop thinking about it. Boulevardiers 27.1-4
Another thing Harry used to enjoy was getting up really early in the morning, and then going out to do something really silly, before anybody was completely awake, which made it easier to get away with something outlandish, and if he did, it put him in a great mood for the rest of the day. Ira 27.1-5
Advent
Someone will come, who can speak a language they understand, and they will listen to him, because he will understand them, and give them some solid practical advice, for once. Jeffrey 23.9-15
Harriday
For example, Harry would probably tell you that he is just an average guy, and no better than anyone else, except that he got born at exactly the right time, meaning the day that the world changed for the last time, and Harry happened to notice it, because somebody had to, and why not him? Vinnie 7.1-7
Pretzel Friday
Then the followers did as Harry suggested, and they thought no more about it, at all, but waved to the hundreds of people who lined the streets of Philadelphia to greet Harry, and accepted their many gifts of pretzels and beer, and other things, until the day seemed very bright indeed. Ned 26.1-7
Philadelphia
And then Harry and many of his followers went out to tell the neighborhoods of Philadelphia about the Way of Harry, although some of the followers took Harry at his word, and stayed at the hotel, almost all the time, because the city was so awful. Willie 65.5-9
White Friday
And it is also possible that some of the followers, or one or two of them anyway, were so drunk that they couldn’t follow the conversation at dinner very well, until Harry did something with some white stuff, and made everyone else do it too, which really snapped everyone right into focus. Vinnie 67.1-6
Escapetide
The next news that came over the radio almost gave the followers a heart attack, because the announcer said that Harry had escaped from prison. Ned 53.1-2
Rioday
And besides, Harry never held anything against his followers, because he called them Long Distance, from Rio, and explained that he had made it all the way home to El Dorado, where everything was great, and life was perfect. Vinnie 75.9-14
Ghostide
One week later we gathered again, in the same place, at the same time, and waited for Harry to come through, which he did, about the sixth hour. Exploits 6.3-8
Trinity Friday
The eleven went out into the wide world, in their Silver Ghosts, armed with Harry’s Trinity. Exploits 18.2-4
Then the Chosen One shall say,
Duly befriended brethren and sistren, the Word of the Harriers moves us, in sundry places, to acknowledge that we shall pursue our desires on this day, with the full certainty that in so doing, we shall be acting in accordance with the Way of Harry; and that we shall do what we want to do, when we want to do it, no matter who gets hurt, as Harry taught us to do, in his own words. Therefore, there is nothing that we will have to apologize for, or feel guilty about, or think about at all, when this day shall have reached its end; nevertheless, we do also acknowledge that those whom we may offend in the course of pursuing our desires, may seek to blame us and afflict us with a sense of guilt for our actions, according to their own purposes; for this reason, we now feel an urge to declare our utter certainty that nothing which we do on this day will be our fault; and to deny any wrongdoing or responsibility whatsoever, in these words—
Or he shall say,
Let us adamantly deny responsibility for our deeds in this assembled company of Harriers.
A General Denial
High and Mighty Harry; We will be following your Way on this day, in blind obedience to the devices and desires of our own hearts. We may, from time to time, break sundry laws. We may leave undone those things which others will say we ought to have done; And we may do those things which others will say we ought not to have done. But that is the way we are, O Chief, and we know that none of these omissions and commissions can possibly be our fault, or our responsibility to correct or atone for, since we did not ask to be born, and we did not make the world, and we did not choose our parents or any other of the conditions into which we were born. Moreover, it is our absolute conviction that the world owes us a living, simply because we are here, whether we do any work or not, because we are citizens of the Most Chosen Nation on Earth; and therefore we deny the right of others to hold us responsible, or make us accountable, for anything, in any way, today or ever, according to the authority given us by your Name, Harry, First Babe of the Boom. So there.
The Declaration of Freedom, or Exemption from Responsibility.
To be made by the Chosen One alone, standing; the People milling about as they
desire.
All knowing Harry, the First Born After the Bomb and First Babe of the Boom, who desires his followers to not think about anything at all, no matter who gets hurt, has given authority, and precise wording, to his Chosen Ones to declare and pronounce to all Harriers, being certain of their desires, a Total Exemption from Responsibility for their actions. Further, he reaffirms the Freedom of all Harriers to do whatever they want, whenever they want to do it, and exhorts them to do so, no matter who gets hurt.
Wherefore let us remind ourselves, as he has taught us, that Harry showed us the Way to be, and remains the most shining example of the rewards to be gained from his wisdom.
Then the Chosen One shall kneel, and say the Harriers’ Brayer; the People paying attention if they so desire, and even repeating it with him, if they are awake enough to do so.
Our friend, who art in Rio, Harry is your name. Your time has come. Your way is fun, up north, as it is in Rio. We live for today and are rarely blamed. We forget our trespasses, as we forget those we have trespassed against. We yield to temptation, but are not evil. For thine is the wisdom, and the power, and the gold, for as long as it lasts. So there.
Then likewise he shall say,
O Chief, read our lips.
Answer. And you shall see us mouthing your own words of praise.
GOLD be to Harry in Rio, and up north bliss, our full fill of it, for as long as it lasts;
Answer. As it was at the beginning of Harry’s Way, is now, and ever shall be, until the end of the world to come. So there.
Chosen One. Praise be to the Chief.
Answer. The Chief’s Name be praised.
Then shall be said or sung the following Comicle.
But NOTE, That on White Friday the Venite may be omitted.
On the days hereafter named, immediately before the Venite may be sung or said,
On the Fridays in Advent. The First Born After the Bomb draws nigh; * O come let us fawn all over him.
On Harriday and until Pretzel Friday. Harry Hooray. Unto us a Boom is born; * O come let us get in on the ground floor.
On Pretzel Friday and seven days after. The Chief has returned to the place of his birth; * O come let us be seen with him.
On Saturday in Escapetide Week and until Rioday. Harry Hooray. The Chief has blown the joint; * O come let us show him how we knew it all along. Harry Hooray.
On Rioday and until Ghostide. Harry Hooray. The contrail of our Chief crosses the hemisphere; * O come let us hope he calls Long Distance from Rio. Harry Hooray.
On Trinity Friday. Desire, Certainty, and Blame, what a combination! * O come let us start practicing right away.
Venite, fawnemus Domino
Ocome, let us say wonderful things about the Chief; * let us heartily rejoice in the benefits of our freedom.
Let us come before his presence with expensive presents; * and show him how much we really really care about him.
For the Chief is a famous celebrity; * and a man of wealth and taste.
In his hands are all the strings of earthly power; * and in his pocket are all the judges and politicians.
Even the sea is his if he wants it; * for his yacht cost more than a hundred million dollars.
O come, let us abase ourselves before him; * and nod vigorously at everything the Chief says.
For he is the Lord of the Boomers; * and we are the sheep of his ranch, and his for the shearing.
O make a gigantic show of devotion to him; * let everyone act as if he were just it.
For he is coming, he is coming to free us; * and without thinking about it at all, we will follow him to the end of the world to come.
Then shall follow a portion of the Psongs, according to the use of this Parish. And at the end of every Psong, and likewise at the end of the Venite and the Beniceto, may be, and at the end of the whole portion, or Selection from the Hymnal, shall be sung or said the following:
GOLD be to Harry in Rio, and up north bliss, our full fill of it, for as long as it lasts; Answer. As it was at the beginning of Harry’s Way, is now, and ever shall be. until the end of the world to come. So there.
Then shall be read the First Lesson, according to the Table of Harrier Days. And NOTE, That before every Lesson, the Chosen One shall say, Here begins such a Chapter (or Verse of such a Chapter) of such a Book; and after every Lesson, Here ends the First (or the Second) Lesson.
Here shall be sung or said the following Hymn.
But NOTE, That on any day when Harry’s Consolation is immediately to follow, the Chosen One at his discretion, after the following Comicle of Morning Brayer has been said or sung, may pass at once to the Consolation Service.
Te Dominum idolemus.
We idolize you, O Harry; we acknowledge you as our One and Only Chief.
Everybody hangs on your every word, Friend everlasting.
Before you the Angels are respectful; and the Arch-Angels and Arch-Harriers too.
In your presence Bimbos melt, and Classy Babes stand up straighter.
Harry, Harry, Harry, Great King of the Boomers;
The Most Chosen Nation on Earth is full of praise for you.
The wealthiest of the Ultra-Harriers praise you without ceasing.
The brainiest of the VIPs probably would too if they were still around.
Even the Martyrs would have praised you if they had known what was good for them.
The Harrier Parish has come up with no end of laudatory titles for you:
The First Born After the Bomb;
The First Babe of the Boom;
The Great Giver of Silver Ghosts;
The Grantor of Consolation.
Or this Comicle.
Beniceto Dominum
O you Chattels of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Servants of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you People of El Dorado, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Executive Assistants of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Personal Bodyguards of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Valets of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Chefs of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Masseurs of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Personal Physicians of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Concubines of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Upstairs Maids of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Kitchen Maids of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Chauffeurs of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Gardeners of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Pilots of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Ship’s Captains of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Dogs and Cats of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Food Tasters of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Dentists of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Flunkies of the Chief, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you People of Rio, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Tailors of Rio, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Waiters of Rio, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Retail Clerks of Rio, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Men’s Room Attendants of Rio, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Doormen of Rio, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Courtesans of Rio, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Nightclub Performers of Rio, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Hatcheck Girls of Rio, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Miserable Street Trash of Rio, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you People of the Most Chosen Nation, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Ultra-Harriers, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you who hold the exalted position of Number One, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Vice-Presidents of the Pontifical Harrier Parish, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Arch-Harriers, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Arch-Angels, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Chosen Ones, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Angels, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Parish Beacons, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Parish Guards, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
O you Harriers, be nice to the Chief: * indulge him and flatter him till the end of the world to come.
Let us be nice to Harry, First Born After the Bomb, First Babe of the Boom, First Man to Think about Nothing at all; * let us indulge him and flatter him and grovel at his feet till the end of the world to come.
Then shall be read, in like manner, the Second Lesson, taken out of the Present Testament, according to the Table of Harrier Days.
And after that shall be sung or said the Hymn following.
But NOTE, That, save on the Fridays in Advent, the latter portion thereof may be omitted.
Dominus magnus. Ira 38.8-13
I think Harry’s great; * he is bright and clever and lots of fun to be around.
I have never met anyone like him; * knowing him has caused me to look at life in a new way.
I miss him now that he is away; * I miss him more than I would ever have imagined.
I hope that his followers are loyal to him; * for Harry is too generous to believe that anyone would ever betray him.
I think that Harry could do great things with his life; * I know that his talents are exceptional and varied.
I know that Harry is very rich; * but I am confident that he knows better than to rest on past laurels.
Or this Psong.
Laetus lucrae. Psong 1
Happy is the man who gets to walk around with a pocketful of cash; * all doors are always open to the rich man, and his smiles make everybody happy and helpful.
He hardly ever has to wait in line; * the barriers are removed as soon as he approaches.
Nor does he have to take a lot of guff; * when he reaches for his pocket, the whole world pays attention.
But things are very different for the poor man; * he is a walking victim, a piece of lint in the money pocket of life.
No one makes way for the poor man; * practically everyone is more important than he is, and better-looking too.
Therefore, choose carefully which of these to be; * a poor man may smile, but the landlord wants cash money.
Then shall be said the Ultra-Harriers’ Creed by the Chosen One and the People, standing.
Iacknowledge Harry as the One: Who was the First Born After the Bomb, and the First Babe of the Boom: Who was betrayed by his pilot, was arrested, indicted, convicted, and sentenced to life in prison: He went down to Maximum Security; The third day he came out of prison: He flew to Rio, and settled in El Dorado: And there he shall live in luxury till the end of the world to come.
I acknowledge the gift of the Silver Ghosts: The Pontifical Harrier Parish; The Rites of Harry’s Consolation: The Exemption from Responsibility: The Trinity of Harry: And the Way of the One, for as long as it lasts. So there.
Or the creed commonly called the Harriers’ Creed.
Idon’t think about the Big Bang, or the law of Evolution, which resulted in all things, completely at random: Or about Harry, the first born after the Bomb, who evolved into being near the end of the world, the Chosen One of a Chosen Nation, the Beacon of Beacons, the Most Chosen of the Most Chosen; Forgotten by most, though his substance remains, and still shapes all things: Who for our well-being came down from his Learjet, and rode among us in a Silver Cloud, and showed us the Way; And was sent to prison for life because of his pilot; He was wrapped in chains and buried in a cell block: And the third day, he escaped, according to the Present Testament: And flew to Rio, and basked in the sun of El Dorado: And he shall not come back this way again, before everything is nuked and dead, which will settle everything until time itself comes to an end.
And I don’t think about the Way of Harry, the Word about the Tree of Man, Which proceeds from the Big Bang and the Bomb; Which together with the Big Bang and the Bomb accounts for everything; Which explains the VIPs: And I don’t think about Good and Evil anymore; I don’t worry about Guilt and Sin: And I don’t care what happens after I’m dead: Or about the end of the world to come. So there.
And after that, these Brayers following, the People more or less paying attention; the Chosen One first pronouncing,
The Harrier Spirit be with you.
Answer. You too, I guess.
Chosen One. Let us bray.
Here, if it has not already been said, shall follow the Harriers’ Brayer.
Chosen One. O Chief, wish us lots of luck on this day.
Answer. For we shall probably need it.
Chosen One. O Harry, root for us to avoid setbacks on this day.
Answer. Yes, Harry, for that one’s especially important.
Then shall follow the Platitude for the day, except when the Consolation Service is read; and then the Platitude for the Day shall be omitted here.
A Platitude for Luck.
OHarry, you always had great luck: if you had a four-leaf clover, touch it for us; if you had a rabbit’s foot, rub it for us; if you had a lucky horseshoe, please make sure that it is in the full upright position: For we are Harriers, and we need lots of luck just to get by from day to day, without thinking about anything at all. So there.
A Platitude for Pleasure.
OHarry, you know almost everything there is to know about pleasure. If you have the time today, wish that we can enjoy some pleasure too: For we are Harriers, and pleasure is very important to us, particularly sexual pleasures, and pharmaceutical pleasures, and pleasure in the misfortunes of others. Surely, you know how it is, O Great Harry. We’ll let you know how we make out today. So there.
The following Brayer shall be omitted when the Litany is said, and may be omitted when the Consolation Service is to follow.
And NOTE, That the Chosen One may here end the Morning Brayer with such general brayers taken out of this book as he shall deem fit, or with the Brace.
A Brayer for the Most Chosen Nation on Earth
OHarry, please reassure us that, as you have said so many times before, this Most Chosen Nation on Earth will indeed take a long long time to fall apart, even though there be Harriers in all positions of authority, including government officials, and chief executive officers of corporations, and bank presidents, and network anchormen, and movie moguls, and doctors, and all manner of other influential persons. We do reaffirm our promise to not think about anything at all, including these things, but we thought we would mention it this morning, before starting another day out there, and leave it all to you, as always. So there.
Then shall the Chosen One give the following Brace.
Now go forth into this new day, and may the Power of Harry’s Mighty Trinity be with you, and keep you from Setbacks all day long. So there.
Here ends the Order of Morning Brayer.
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