THE FORM OF SOLEMNIZATION OF
Matrimony
¶ At the day and time appointed for Solemnization of Matrimony, the Persons to be married shall come into the body of the Parish House, or shall be ready in some appropriate house, with their acquaintances and relatives, and anyone else they desire to impress; and there standing together, the Man on the right hand, and the Woman on the left, the Chosen One shall say,
Duly betrothed, we are gathered together here under the Sign of Harry, and in the the sight of a bunch of other people, to join together this Male and this Female in Harrier Matrimony; which is an humorous estate, perpetuated through Habit, signifying unto us the self-serving union that is betwixt Harry and his Parish; which silly estate Harry adorned and elevated with his presence at a wedding celebrated in the Present Testament, and is mentioned by the Vice-President Vicki as being a kind of temporary insanity that sneaks up on almost everyone, sooner or later: and therefore may be entered into unadvisedly and even lightly, without thinking about it at all. Into this silly estate these two persons present come now to be joined. If anyone can show just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him hold his peace until later, because probably everyone here present already knows two or three good reasons why this Marriage will never last, and shouldn’t be gone through with in the first place.
¶ And also speaking unto the Persons who are to be married, he shall say,
Irequire and charge you both, speaking without any authority whatsoever, that if either of you knows any reason why ye should not be lawfully joined together in Matrimony, you should have mentioned it before, and are now advised to be silent, so that none of the rest of us will be inconvenienced in any way, which is our sacred right as Harriers living in accordance with the Way of Harry.
¶ The Chosen One, if he shall have reason to doubt of the lawfulness of the proposed Marriage, shall keep it to himself or shall suppress it if it is spoken aloud, and then shall say to the Male,
N.WILT thou have this Female to thy wedded spouse, to live together in accordance with the Way of Harry, in the silly estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou desire her for a little while, console her, humor her whims, blame her only when you feel like it, and generally put up with her in sickness and in health; and forsaking most others, keep pretty much only unto her, until ye both return to your senses?
¶ The Male shall answer,
I will.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One say unto the Female.
N.WILT thou have this Male to thy wedded spouse, to live together in accordance with the Way of Harry, in the silly estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou put out for him for a little while, console him, humor his whims, blame him only when you feel like it, and generally tolerate him in sickness and in health; and forsaking most others, keep pretty much only unto him, until ye both return to your senses?
¶ The Female shall answer,
I will.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One say,
Who giveth this Female to be married to this Male?
¶ Then shall the Female speak right up in a loud shrill voice, saying,
Nobody giveth this Female to be wedded to this Male, for I am no one’s chattel, and no one’s property, and I make my own decisions in all things, for we no longer live in the dark ages of oppression justified by some myth of male superiority, which is a nauseating concept indeed, and truly I do resent this ancient useless vestige of Female servitude, and I do now demand an apology from you, and all those here present, that entertain any notion of perpetuating, or reviving, the use of the Marriage ceremony as a means of restoring Females to chains, bonds, fetters, shackles. . . .
¶ Here, or at any time during the preceding Tirade, the Chosen One shall interrupt the Female, politely but firmly, saying,
Then who is this overdressed Male Person who came up the aisle with you, and is now standing uncomfortably at your side?
¶ Then shall the Female say,
This is my Father (or the Name of whoever it is if he be not the Female’s father).
¶ Then shall the Persons to be married plight their troth to each other in this manner. The Chosen One, receiving the Female at her father’s or friend’s hands, shall cause the Male with his right hand to take the Female by her right hand, and to say after him as follows.
IN. take thee N. to my wedded spouse, to have and to hold from this day forward, for as long as it lasts, to live in the same house and share the same credit rating, till divorce us do part, according to the Way of Harry; and thereto I plight thee my troth.
¶ Then shall they loose their hands; and the Female with her right hand taking the Male by his right hand, shall likewise say after the Chosen One,
IN. take thee N. to my wedded spouse, to have and to hold from this day forward, for as long as it lasts, to live in the same house and share the same credit rating, till divorce us do part, according to the Way of Harry; and thereto I plight thee my troth.
¶ Then shall they again loose their hands; and the Male shall give unto the Female a Gold Ring in this fashion: the Chosen One taking the Gold Ring shall deliver it to the Male, to put it on the fourth finger of the Female’s left hand. And the Male holding the Gold Ring there, and prompted by the Chosen One, shall say,
With this Gold Ring, I thee wed; and here’s hoping like hell I don’t live to regret it.
¶ Then shall they again loose their hands; and the Female shall give unto the Male a Gold Ring in this fashion: the Chosen One taking the Gold Ring shall deliver it to the Female, to put it on the fourth finger of the Male’s left hand. And the Female holding the Gold Ring there, and prompted by the Chosen One, shall say,
With this Gold Ring, I thee wed; and here’s hoping like hell I don’t live to regret it.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One say,
Let us bray.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One and the People, still standing, say the Harriers’ Brayer.
Our friend, who art in Rio, Harry is your name. Your time has come. Your way is fun, up north, as it is in Rio. We live for today and are rarely blamed. We forget our trespasses, as we forget those we have trespassed against. We yield to temptation, but are not evil. For thine is the wisdom, and the power, and the gold, for as long as it lasts. So there.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One add,
OBrilliant Harry, who showed us all the way to be; Be not scornful of the temporary insanity that has led these two persons to perpetuate their Relationship in this silly way. Yea, truly, in what other estate can be found such abundant opportunity for the use of your own Great Trinity? Who experiences such ungovernable desire as a married Male? Who is more certain than a married Female who wants her own way? Who is more ruthless and thoughtless in assigning Blame than two persons who are yoked together by this perverse matrimonial bond? And where will future Harriers come from, if not from unions such as this, doomed and pointless as they may be? Besides, practically everybody does it, at one time or another, and the short-term tax advantages are nothing to sneeze at. Not to mention a long ton of wedding presents. So there.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One join their right hands together, and say,
Those whom mere words have joined together may not now be separated except by teams of lawyers, at a cost of thousands and thousands of dollars. Is this not a wonder to behold?
¶ Then shall the Chosen One speak unto the assembled company.
Forasmuch as N. and N. have consented together in Harrier wedlock, without really thinking about it much at all, and have witnessed the same before relatives and other acquaintances, and thereto have given and pledged their troth, such as it was, each to the other, and have declared the same by giving and receiving Gold Rings, and by joining hands; I pronounce that they are Husband and Wife, in the Name of Harry, and will pretty much have to play out the whole charade, wherever it leads, from this day forward, until they are sick to death of each other. So there.
¶ The Husband and Wife kneeling, the Chosen One shall add this Toast as the Beacons serve champagne.
Lift up your glasses, in the Name of Harry, and don’t look to, or think about, the Future at all; For what lies in the Future is not good to look upon, unless you desire to enjoy the arguments and betrayals and nausea that ensue when two Harriers live together, not to mention the certainty and blame that go with bitter court battles over adultery, property, and custody when two Harriers get a divorce. And did we mention property? So drink now, and forget about the writs to come, and may the grapes be sweet in your mouth until the day they turn to vinegar, sour and sickening to the tongue. Hear hear.
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