THE ADVICE OF THE ARCH-ANGEL MATTHEW · TO THE
KENSINGTONIANS
Never apologize to anyoneKeep your mouth full of gum
Chapter 9
For example, it’s pretty important that you all dress alike.
2gIf you’re a guy, you should always wear dirty jeans, with rips and tears and oil stains all over them, fixed so that they sit low on your hips and always show off the crack in your buttocks.
3hAnd you should always wear T-shirts with some stupid or obscene joke on the chest,
4And great big ugly boots, as if you were always on your way to a stomping party later on,
5And long dirty stringy hair,
6And as many tattoos as possible,
7iAnd one of those baseball caps with some heavy equipment manufacturer’s name on it.
8More than this, you should always walk around with your mouth hanging open,
9jAnd a dull dead look in your eye,
10Unless you’re drunk,
11In which case, you should make sure your eyes are bright with hatred, as if you just can’t wait to kill someone.
12It also helps if you always drive a clapped-out, oil-burning, piece of junk pickup truck,
13With about a zillion empty abeer cans rattling around in the back,
14And a bunch of heavy metal bmusic blaring out the open windows all the time.
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