THE PRESCRIPTION OF THE CHOSEN ONE MIKE · FOR THE
JEFFERSONIANS
Outstanding returns for every cash dollarBlame your office nurses
Chapter 10
kMalpracticus catastrophicus.
2This is an ailment the income-oriented physician must be particularly careful not to get,
3lBecause the physician who cares principally about money is usually somewhat more prone to error than other kinds of physicians,
4Which is understandable when you consider that they tend to deal more in mvolume,
5And therefore have less time to spend ransacking individual case nhistories for low percentage anomalies.
6That’s why it’s a good idea to be alert for certain symptoms,
7oSuch as a statistically significant increase in the death rate among those of your patients not suffering from a serious disease,
8pOr a fifty percent or greater decline in your customary income from the families of other physicians,
9Or a sudden massive malpractice suit filed by a patient whose case you cannot recall,
10qAt all.
11Fortunately, this is an ailment that can be controlled in all but the most extreme cases,
12Which can usually be prevented from becoming extreme in the first place,
13Through judicious application of the Way of Harry.
14rFor it is the Way of Harry which tells us to blame others before they can blame us,
15Which is why it is always an excellent idea to heap lots and lots of blame on the drones who support you,
16All the time.
17Blame shospital personnel for being sloppy about getting patient histories,
18Whether they are or not.
19Blame the tlab technicians for being careless in their reports,
20Whether they are or not.
21Blame your aoffice nurses for not briefing you on significant details,
22Whether they do or not,
23bUntil absolutely everybody is convinced that you are an obnoxious perfectionist who never misses a trick,
24cSo that they will catch most of your mistakes for you,
25Before you make them,
26Without thinking about it at all.
27And if you happen to kill one by daccident, see to it that you inform the family at once about the patient’s culpability for his own demise,
28eBecause he was overweight,
29fOr a smoker,
30gOr a quitter,
31hOr too stingy to spring for all the high-margin tests you twisted his arm to get.
32If people still try to blame you for ibig bucks, there is also a last resort,
33Which is to break down and confess that you have been receiving too much Consolation,
34Because you are a physician,
35jAnd the stress got to you,
36And you couldn’t help it,
37And you’re really sorry,
38And you’ll commit yourself at once for rehabilitation,
39kAnd how about another chance?
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