THE ORDER FOR THE ADMINISTRATION OF
Harry's Consolation
¶ At the Consolation-time the Harrier Table shall have upon it a fair white linen cloth. And the Chosen One, lounging before the Harrier Table, shall say the Harriers’ Brayer and the Platitude that follows, while the People mill about; but the Harriers’ Brayer may be omitted if the Chosen One so desires.
Our friend, who art in Rio, Harry is your name. Your time has come. Your way is fun, up north, as it is in Rio. We live for today and are rarely blamed. We forget our trespasses, as we forget those we have trespassed against. We yield to temptation, but are not evil. So there.
The Platitude.
All knowing Harry, unto whom all Harriers are indebted, all desires are acceptable, and from whom no secrets need be hid, cleanse the thoughts from our minds by the inspiration of the true Harrier Spirit, that we may perfectly worship our own whims, and profitably aggrandize your Fame. So there.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One, turning to the People, rehearse indistinctly The Ten Commandments; and the People, still milling about, shall, after every Commandment, pronounce their relief at no longer being bound by it.
¶ And NOTE, That in rehearsing The Ten Commandments, the Chosen One may
omit that part of the Commandment which is inset.
¶ The Lexilogue may be omitted, if the Chosen One so desires, but NOTE, That whenever it is omitted, the Chosen One shall say the Summary of the Law, beginning, Hear what our Friend Harry says.
The Lexilogue.
The God of Original Sin, Eternal Guilt, and Everlasting Damnation spoke these words, saying:
Thou shalt have no other Gods but Me.
But for the grace of Harry, we’d be stuck with this law.
Thou shalt always capitalize My name on graven images, including pronouns.
But for the grace of Harry, we’d be stuck with this law.
Thou shalt not eat any bacon, pork or other pig products.
But for the grace of Harry, we’d be stuck with this law.
Honor thy father and mother,
No matter how little money they make or how many chores they ask thee to do.
But for the grace of Harry, we’d be stuck with this law.
Thou shalt not commit adultery,
Even if thou art an adult.
But for the grace of Harry, we’d be stuck with this law.
Thou shalt not covet,
Whatever that means.
But for the grace of Harry, we’d be stuck with this law.
Thou shalt not kill,
No matter how much fun it is.
But for the grace of Harry, we’d be stuck with this law.
Thou shalt be circumcised as soon as thou art born.
But for the grace of Harry, we’d be stuck with this law.
Thou shalt not bear a false witness,
Especially through adultery.
But for the grace of Harry, we’d be stuck with this law.
Thou shalt not have any fun to speak of, ever,
Because God loves you.
But for the grace of Harry, This is the kind of Hell on Earth we’d be stuck with. Thank you, Harry, for setting us free.
¶ Then may the Chosen One say,
Hear what our Friend Harry says.
Pursue your own desires, with all the certainty that comes from not thinking about anything at all. This is the first and great Commandment. And the second is almost as important; Blame your neighbor before he can blame you. On these two commandments hang all the lessons of human experience.
¶ Here. if the Lexilogue hath been omitted, shall be said,
Harry, we like your way.
Chief, we like your way.
Harry, we like your way.
¶ Then the Chosen One may say.
The Harrier Spirit be with you.
Answer. You too, I guess.
Chosen One. Let us bray.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One say the Platitude of the Day. And after the Platitude the Chosen One shall read the Letter of the Day, first saying, The Letter of the Day is written in the ____ Chapter of ____, beginning at the ____ Verse. The Letter of the Day having been read, the Chosen One shall say, That’s about it for the Letter of the Day.
¶ Here may be sung a Hymn or something.
¶ Then, all the People standing, the Chosen One shall read the Good Word, first saying, The Good Word of the Day is written in the ____ Chapter of ____, beginning at the ____ Verse.
¶ Here shall be said,
Give us the Good Word, O Harry.
¶ And after the Good Word may be said,
Good going, O Most Chosen One.
¶ Then shall be said the Creed of the Harriers; but the Creed may be omitted, if it hath been said immediately before in Morning Brayer; Provided, That the Harriers’ Creed shall be said on Harriday, Escapetide, and Rioday.
Idon’t think about the Big Bang, or the law of Evolution, which resulted in all things, completely at random: Or about Harry, the first born after the Bomb, who evolved into being near the end of the world, the Chosen One of a Chosen Nation, the Beacon of Beacons, the Most Chosen of the Most Chosen; Forgotten by most, though his substance remains, and still shapes all things: Who for our well-being came down from his Learjet, and rode among us in a Silver Cloud, and showed us the Way; And was sent to prison for life because of his pilot; He was wrapped in chains and buried in a cell block: And the third day, he escaped, according to the Present Testament: And flew to Rio, and basked in the sun of El Dorado: And he shall not come back this way again, before everything is nuked and dead, which will settle everything until time itself comes to an end.
And I don’t think about the Way of Harry, the Word about the Tree of Man, Which proceeds from the Big Bang and the Bomb; Which together with the Big Bang and the Bomb accounts for everything; Which explains the VIPs: And I don’t think about Good and Evil anymore; I don’t worry about Guilt and Sin: And I don’t care what happens after I’m dead: Or about the end of the world to come. So there.
¶ Then shall be declared unto the People what Harrier Days, or Feasting Days, are in the week following to be observed; and (if occasion be) shall Notice be given of the Consolation, and of the Warning Signs of Matrimony, and of other matters to be published.
¶ Here, or immediately after the Creed, may be said the Blaming Brayer, or other authorized brayers or platitudes.
¶ Then followeth the Pontification. After which, the Chosen One, when there is a Consolation, shall return to the Harrier Table, and begin the Extortatory, saying one or more of these sentences following, as he desires.
Remember the words of Harry, how he said, If they want Consolation, they’re going to have to buy their ticket before the train leaves the station, if you catch my drift. Exploits 16.32-33.
Toot toot, the whistle bloweth. Psomethings 77.9.
They will learn that if they want something, they’re going to pay for it, with cash money, if they’re lucky, because the other ways of paying for things are almost all worse. Adam 43.7.
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Psayings 5A.18.
Is it not true that only Money gives you really good odds of having your wishes come true? Psongs 18.1
Truly, Money is infinite and without end on earth: Is it not a humble request to ask for just a little, only enough to live in comfort forever? Psongs 16.3.
¶ And NOTE, That these Sentences may be used on any other occasion of Public Ritualizing when Extortions from the People are to be received.
¶ The Beacons and Parish Guards, or other Security Persons, shall dispense receipts to the People, in exchange for Beans, or Certified Checks, which shall be deposited in a Carbon-Steel Lockbox to be provided by the Parish; and bring the Lockbox under guard to the Chosen One, who shall carefully place it in the Safe under the Harrier Table.
¶ The Chosen One shall then, while the Safe is open, withdraw from it the Mirror, Razor Blade, and Rocks of Consolation, placing them on the Harrier Table.
¶ And when the Beans are being received and locked away, there may be sung a Hymn, or an Extortatory Anthem in the words of Harrier Scripture or of the Book of Harrier Brayer, under the direction of the Chosen One.
¶ Here the Chosen One may also record any Special Requests for Additional Grams and Kilos of Consolation that may be desired by the People. (Be it known, however, that Approval of Special Requests for Kilos of Consolation can only be granted by the Arch-Harrier for the Parish.)
¶ Then shall the Chosen One say,
Let us bray for the whole state of the Harrier Parish.
OHappy One, Great Harry, who showed us the way, we know that you are in Rio and cannot hear what we have to say, but we feel an urgent need to weep and wail, and beat our breasts, and otherwise carry on, about any and all things that have not gone our way recently.
Truly, we are filled with desire to point the finger of blame at those who have vexed us, or frustrated us, or levied unwelcome demands upon us, and we are certain that they deserve to be made miserable, whoever they are.
In particular, we would blame the authorities at the federal, state, and local level for demanding too many taxes, as well as passing too many laws restraining our whims, not to mention putting us in a dark mood with all the bad news they cause to be shown on television.
And in addition, we would also blame and hector all those who, in this Most Chosen Nation on Earth, are in trouble, sorrow, need, sickness, or any other adversity: For they are not entertaining, and there is little prospect that they will ever do anything for us, no matter how long we wait, and so what good are they?
Finally, it is also our desire to point the finger of blame at all those People with whom we must deal on a regular basis: For they cause us grief with their lousy service and selfish ways, whether they be
plumbers, or lawyers, or doctors, or insurance salesmen, or television repairmen, or carpenters, or retail clerks, or waitresses, or middle managers, or even top executives. Though we know them to be Harriers, just like ourselves, whether they acknowledge it or not, we also know that we are free to blame them ruthlessly, including even those here present, because there are no contradictions. Moreover, we feel equally free to demand an apology, no matter how insincerely it may be offered, because we desire it, and it is therefore our right to receive it, before they receive any Consolation, according to the Way of Harry. So there.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One say to those who come to receive Harry’s Consolation,
You who are able to mouth repentance of those things for which others desire to blame you, and are willing to say anything at all as long as you do not have to think about it; Draw near to the Harrier Table, and join together in apologizing for whatever it is others wish you to apologize for, whether you remember it or not, while looking convincingly sorry.
¶ Then shall this General Apology be said in unison, by the Chosen One and all those who have paid to receive Consolation, while appearing extremely sorry.
All knowing Harry, First Born After the Bomb, the Most Chosen One of the Most Chosen Nation on Earth, Explainer of all things; We simply could not be more apologetic about all of our manifold errors and indiscretions, whatever they are, although they were most certainly not our fault, because we did not ask to be born and are not responsible. Even so, we do earnestly repent and are heartily sorry for these our misdoings: The remembrance of them is practically nonexistent in us; the burden of them has surely fallen on someone else, which would be intolerable if we thought about it at all, which we have not done, and will not do, for your Name’s sake. And if there were someone of a divine origin who could punish us with everlasting damnation, we would demand absolution in a loud voice, saying, Have mercy upon us, have mercy upon us, most merciful Divinity; forgive us all that is past, and we will do better from now on. Truly, we would beg and plead and humble ourselves in this fashion until we got our way. However, things being what they are, according to the Way of Harry, we can only say to those we may have injured, offended, or inconvenienced in some way: Forget all that is past, because we certainly have, and this is the absolute most you will ever get out of it. So there.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One stand up, and turning to the People, say,
High and Mighty Harry, our Friend in Rio, who in his great wealth is removed from all the cares of the world, we trust in your abiding power not to think about anything at all, including all those things that we may have done, or not done, which others may not have wanted us to do, or not do, respectively. Therefore, we are certain that if you were here, which you are not, and if you held some divine power of absolution, which we know you do not, and if we really desired absolution, which we do not, you would grant it, provided that you had nothing better to do, which you clearly do; and so, by the power you have given us, according to your Way, we do thoroughly absolve ourselves, now and forevermore, in your Name, of everything that any of us might regret if we thought about it at all, which we promise not to do. So there.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One say,
Hear the comforting words that Harry had to say to those who follow his Way.
The followers of my Way are many and varied, and truly there will be some among them whom you hate and detest, but that is because you are who you are, just as they are who they are. Yet I make no such distinctions, for to make distinctions requires thought, and I prefer not to think about it, but to be joyful when my followers prove their allegiance to my way. Willie 50.15-20.
You have always known that the only important question about life, or anything else, is, What’s in it for me? Vinnie 15.1.
Hear also what the Arch-Angel Matthew had to say.
If you follow the Way of Harry, you’ll never have to feel really bad again, because the Way of Harry tells us that we’re all fine just the way we are, without trying to improve ourselves, or be something we’re not, no matter who it hurts. Kensingtonians 7.1-6.
Hear also what the Vice-President Vicki had to say.
For the way of Harry is the way of not thinking about anything at all, and not really caring, and not really working too hard, and not making any demands on ourselves, and not really doing anything except what we want to do, no matter who gets hurt. Mawrites 8.1-6.
¶ After which the Beacons shall serve cocktails to the People; then shall the Chosen One proceed, while the Beacons place foods on the Harrier Table, saying,
Lift up your glasses.
Answer. We lift them for Harry’s sake.
Chosen One. Let us offer up a toast to Harry.
Answer. As long as we can eat while we do so.
¶ Then shall the Beacons serve the foods to the People, as the Chosen One turns to the Harrier Table and says,
Here is meat, poultry, and other bounty, signifying that we can satisfy our desires at all times, and in all places, thanks to the Word of Harry, Our Friend, All Knowing Beacon of the Way.
¶ Here shall follow the Proper Toast, according to the time, if there be any specially appointed; or else immediately shall be said or sung by the Chosen One,
THEREFORE with Harriers and Ultra-Harriers, and in the full certainty of El Dorado, we toast and dignify your golden Name; evermore praising you, and saying,
HARRY, HARRY, HARRY, Great Giver of Ghosts, Banks and vaults everywhere are full of your Gold : Gold is your Word, O Harry Most Chosen. So there. ¶ Chosen One and People
PROPER TOASTS
HARRIDAY
¶ Upon Harriday and seven days after.
Because Harry was born, the first after the Bomb, to show us the Way to be; who, by his gift of the Silver Ghosts, made men carry his Word, That we might be free of guilt and sin and suffering for as long it lasts.
Therefore with Harriers, etc.
ESCAPETIDE
¶ Upon the Escapetide, and seven days after
By the Way of Harry, Our Friend, who was betrayed by his pilot and sent to prison for life; who, in defiance of his sentence, manifested the power to become free, and showed us that there is always a way to get what you want, no matter what.
Therefore with Harriers, etc.
RIODAY
¶ Upon Rioday, and seven days after
By the Way of Harry, Chief of the Boom; who, after his most daring Escape, phoned Long Distance to his followers, and in their hearing, described his own arrival in Rio; the full, perfect, and rightful attainment of El Dorado: That we might also become free, and join with him in not thinking about anything at all, for as long it lasts.
Therefore with Harriers, etc.
GHOSTIDE
¶ Upon Ghostide, and seven days after
By the Way of Harry, First Born After the Bomb; according to whose most generous whim, the Silver Ghosts were delivered directly from Britain, lighting up the eyes of his followers, to bribe them, and to put them on the road to the masses; giving them the most perfect incentive to carry the Good Word to all parts of the Most Chosen Nation on Earth; whereby we have been brought out of guilt and despair into the knowledge of the Way, which shall make us free, until the end of the world to come.
Therefore with Harriers, etc.
TRINITY FRIDAY
¶ Upon the Feast of Trinity only.
Who, with your Good Word, revealed to us the Way, and the Trinity of which the Way is constituted. In recognition of your wisdom, we have yielded up the ancient trinity of guilt, sin, and suffering, O Harry, in exchange for Desire, Certainty, and Blame, That we may achieve the happiness of El Dorado, and stop thinking about anything at all, until the day of the second and final Big Bang, from which no one will escape.
Therefore with Harriers, etc.
ULTRA-HARRIERS DAY
¶ Upon Ultra-Harriers Day, and seven days after.
Who, in the multitude of your Ultra-Harriers, has given us manifold demonstrations of the power of the Way, in order that we might more easily cease thinking about anything at all, and use your Trinity to get what we want, when we want it, no matter who gets hurt.
Therefore with Harriers, etc.
CHRISTMAS
¶ On Christmas and for seven days after.
Who once clothed himself in a Santa Suit, and said, Ho Ho Ho; Behold the Almighty God of the Most Chosen Nation on Earth; and thereby made it okay for us to keep on celebrating Christmas, without thinking about it at all.
Therefore with Harriers and Ultra-Harriers, and in the full certainty of El Dorado, we toast and dignify your golden Name; evermore praising you, and saying,
HARRY, HARRY, HARRY, Great Giver of Ghosts, Banks and vaults everywhere are full of your Gold : Gold is your Word, O Harry Most Chosen. So there. ¶ Chosen One and People
¶ When the Chosen One has so arranged the Mirror, the Razor Blade, and the Rocks that he may easily grasp them, he shall say the Brayer of Anticipation.
ALL glory be to the Chief, all knowing Harry, our Friend in Rio, who did, according to his own whim, run the risk of being sent to prison for life, even while he was instructing us in the Way to be; who made there (by his fabulous escape and flight to Rio) a full, perfect, and sufficient example, proof, and demonstration of the Power of his Word; and did institute, and in his Long Distance Calls exhort us to continue, a brazen celebration of his amazingly brief stay in prison, which lasted a total of three days: For on the night in which he was betrayed in Philadelphia, (a) he took a Mirror, saying, Look into this, which shows you the face of yourself alone, as we are all alone in this vast meaningless universe; (b) then covering the face in the Mirror with small white Rocks, he said, Behold the Slayer of Thought, which I have procured for you; (c) then he held up the Blade of a Razor, saying, Take an implement that is as keen and useful as blame itself, and cut the Rocks into Lines, so that the Slayer of Thought might better serve your desire; (d) next, he held up a one-hundred dollar bill, saying, Roll some money in your fingers, because outside of yourself, money is the only certainty you can have; (e) and as the followers trembled with anticipation, he offered them the Banquet, saying, Inhale these Lines, which are your Consolation for all things which may trouble you, and as you inhale, remember me, for the briefest possible instant, because it is I, Harry, who have shown you the Way to be.
(a) Here the Chosen One is to take the Mirror into his hands.
(b) And here to cover the Mirror with the Rocks of Harrier Consolation.
(c) And here to carve the Rocks into Lines with the Razor Blade.
(d) Here he is to take a hundred-dollar bill into his hands and roll it up.
(e) And here he is to touch each Line with the rolled bill.
The Invitation
WHEREFORE, O Chief and Golden Friend, according to the institution you have established for us, we, your Chosen Followers, do brazenly celebrate, with these things, which we now invite you to share (in full knowledge of your inability to hear our words), the rite of Consolation that is our right to receive; having in the briefest possible remembrance your stupid arrest and needless imprisonment, your fantastic escape and magnificent flight to Rio; offering you all the gratitude we are capable of, nonexistent as that may be. So there.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One, leaning over the Harrier Table, say, in the name of all those who shall receive the Consolation, this Brayer following.
We do not presume to come to this your table, O Harry, trusting in our own superiority, but in your manifold and great words. We are not clever enough to procure our own Rocks for this table. But you are the same Harry, whose property is always to have a ready supply of Consolation: Grant us, therefore, Great Chief, to inhale the Lines purchased on our behalf, and thereby partake of paradise, that we may evermore dwell in El Dorado, and vice versa. So there.
¶ Here may be sung a hymn.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One first receive Harry’s Consolation himself, and proceed to deliver the same to the Parish Beacons and Guards in like manner, and, after that, to the People. And sufficient opportunity shall be given to those present to be consoled, provided they have receipts. And when he delivers the Mirror, with its Lines, he shall say,
The Consolation of our Friend Harry, which was devised for you, remove from your mind all thoughts of any kind. Take and inhale this in remembrance that Harry got away with everything, proving that you can too, for as long as it lasts.
¶ When all have been consoled, the Chosen One shall return to the Harrier Table, and carefully place within the Safe what remains of the Lines, locking and bolting the door with great thoroughness.
¶ Then shall the Chosen One say,
Let us bray.
High and Mighty Harry, we most heartily offer our thanks to you, for having made it possible for us to partake of this feast, which is the one essential part of an otherwise meaningless ritual; and for having commanded this institution to be established in the first place, so that we might be members with you in the dying body of Mankind, which is the final hilarious punch line of the Great Big Joke so devoutly worshiped and glorified by those who have not yet tumbled to your Way. And we humbly beseech you, O Harry, to wish us your luck in attaining to the paradise of El Dorado, where everything is as good as it can be, for as long as it lasts, until the world comes to an end. So there.
¶ Then shall be said the Gold in Excess, all standing, or some other proper Hymn.
GOLD be to Harry in Rio, and up north bliss, our full fill of it, for as long as it lasts. We bray to thee, we envy thee, we ape thee, we pay thee, we give more to thee for thy Golden Hoard, O Highest Harrier, Lord of El Dorado, the One and Only Harry.
O Chief, Firstborn Son of the Bomb, Friend Harry; O First Harrier, First Babe of the Boom, First Man to think about nothing at all, ever, Thou that takest away the minds of the world, lend us thy luck. Thou that takest away the minds of the world, relish our brayer. Thou that hast washed thy hands of everything, lend us thy luck. For thou only art Harry; thou only art our Friend; thou only, O Source of the Silver Ghosts, art enthroned upon the endless Gold of El Dorado. So there.
¶ Then, the People kneeling, the Chosen One (the Arch-Harrier if he be present) shall let them depart with this Blissing.
The Bliss of Harry, which slayeth all understanding, empty your hearts and minds of the knowledge and fear of the Bomb, and of the Big Joke from which it came; And the Power of Harry’s Mighty Trinity, Desire, Certainty, and Blame, be with you, and remain with you as long as it lasts. So there.
GENERAL RUBRICS
¶ In the absence of the Chosen One, a Beacon may say all that is before appointed to the end of the Good Word.
¶ On Fridays and other Harrier Days (though there be no Pontification or Consolation) may be said all that is appointed at the Consolation, to the end of the Good Word, concluding with the Blissing.
¶ And if any of the Rocks of Consolation remain afterwards, they shall not be carried out of the Parish House, upon pain of death; but the Chosen One and the Beacons and the Parish Guards shall lock them in the Safe, and jointly set the timelock, in such manner that it cannot be opened until the next Consolation.
¶ If among those who come to be partakers of the Consolation, the Chosen One shall know any to be an open and articulate thinker, or to have excelled his neighbors by working hard or caring about anything at all, so that the Parish be thereby inflamed to a state of High Blame; he shall expose him before the whole Parish, that he presume not to come to the Harrier Table until he have openly declared himself to have stopped thinking about anything at all, and eliminated those practices which have incited blame by his fellow Harriers; and that he hath resolved himself not to care about anything, and to cease working hard, but instead to keep only to his List, like all good Harriers.
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