The Boomer BibleA Testament for Our Times · by R. F. Laird
THE MINISTRATION OF

Harrification

The Chosen One of every Parish House shall often admonish the People, that they defer not the Harrification of their Children, and that it is most convenient that Harrification should be administered on Fridays and other Harrier Days.
There shall be for every Male-child to be Harrified, when they can be had, two Harry-dads and one Harry-mom; and for every Female, one Harry-dad and two Harry-moms; and Parents shall be admitted as Sponsors, if it be desired.
When there are Children to be Harrified, the Parents or Sponsors shall give knowledge thereof to the Chosen One. And then the Harry-dads and Harry-moms, and the People with the Children, must be ready at the Font, either immediately after the Second Lesson at Morning or Evening Brayer, or at such other time as the Chosen One shall appoint.
When any such Persons as are of riper years are to be Harrified, timely notice shall be given to the Chosen One; that, so due care may be taken for their instruction, whether they be sufficiently indoctrinated in the Beacons of the Way; and that they may be exhorted to prepare themselves, with Brayers and Feasting, for the receiving of the Harrier rights. And NOTE, That at the time of the Harrification of an Adult, there shall be present with him at the Font at least two Witnesses.
The Chosen One, having come to the Font, which is then to befilled with Harrier Water, shall say as followeth, the People all standing,
Has this Child (Person) been already Harrified, or not?
If they answer, NO: then shall the Chosen One proceed as followeth.
Duly befriended, forasmuch as our Friend Harry says, No one can follow my way unless he wash his hands of everything; I encourage you to grant to this Child (this Person) the right to the same freedom you have; that he may be Harrified with Water, and received into the Harrier Parish, and be enabled to not think about anything at all, just like the rest of us, for as long as it lasts.
Then shall the Chosen One say.
Let us bray.
All knowing Harry, the answer to all troubling questions, the accomplice in all convenient decisions, the consolation for all those things which we no longer believe, and the ultimate escapement from responsibility; We call upon thee, knowing full well that you are not listening and cannot hear us, to let us Harrify this Child (this Person) just as if he had known you in person, and had learned from your own mouth the Way to be. Let him be one of us, as you (might have) promised when you were here, saying, Demand, and you shall have what you Desire; Be Certain, and no one will have the guts to stand against you; Blame everyone and everything that gets in your way, and the obstacles will be removed from your path. So be proud of us now, who say in Your name, We Demand Harrification for this Child (this Person); We are Certain it is what we Desire; and We shall Blame the daylights out of anyone who opposes our Whim. So saying, we are confident that this Child shall be made free by the Washing of his Hands, and may come to feel the happiness of your Way, just like you promised. So there.
Then shall the Chosen One say as followeth.
Hear the Good Word, written by the Ultra-Harrier Vinnie, in the Fourth Chapter, at the First Verse.
And the people cried out to John, saying, “Far out! That’s some pretty heavy excrement you’re laying on us here, and why don’t you, you know, lay some wisdom on us, so we can, like, figure out what’s going down here?” Thereupon John commenced to twist and shout like an ancient holy man, or a modern rock star, and his words were a wonder to all those assembled, being all about vitreous vegetables, and tusked mammals, and human females defying the laws of physics with chunks of compressed carbon, and mobile aquatic domiciles of xanthic hue, and a bunch of other stuff too, until the masses were starting to look at their watch a lot, which made John get to the point, finally, so that he summarized his remarks in simpler terms, saying, “I think we can all agree that everything has gotten very confusing, and there’s got to be a way out, some way that we can wash our hands of everything, and not get involved in a lot of pointless pain and corruption and violence and heartbreak, because if everything’s going to turn out lousy anyway, what’s the point in wearing yourself out, for nothing?”
Or this.
Hear the Good Word from Harry, written by the Ultra-Harrier Ned, in the Fourteenth Chapter, at the First Verse.
And so the day came that Harry decided he needed some followers, to follow him around, wherever he went, because when you are truly the One, you need followers, because that’s the way it works, as everyone knows. And thus it happened that Harry went to a Great Temple of Learning, located in a Great Stupid City in New England, and gathered in some followers, saying, “Come with me, and I will show you how to shoot craps with the universe, and win.” Then did a dozen of them join with him, and their names were Joe, and Jerry, and Sam, and Tom, and Ira, and Willie, and Ned, and Mort, and Tony, and Fred, as well as a couple of hoods named Lucky and Vinnie, because Harry was no snob. And when they had joined him, he made them wash their hands of everything, so that they could learn to shoot craps with the universe, and win, which he was willing to teach them for free, without charging them any tuition, or any plane fare for riding on his Learjet, or any room and board for all the hotel rooms they stayed in, or anything at all for the beverages and excrement they consumed, which was a lot.
Or this.
Hear the Good Word from Harry, written by the Ultra-Harrier Ira, in the Sixteenth Chapter, at the First Verse.
There is also some footage that may have been taken a few hours later on the Learjet, and maybe a few jereboams of champagne later too, because there are a lot of great big empty Moët bottles around, and the camera seems kind of tipsy, which is why it takes a few tries to figure out what is going on, until you realize that this is quite a moving and historic scene, because Harry is washing the hands he speaks softly and calmly to each one in turn, saying, “Let me wash the worst of the grime off your hands, which is necessary if you are going to enjoy your new life with me, because you will not get a chance to lay your hands on the truth, unless they’re clean, which seems like a reasonable request to me, because I think they’d even be within their rights to make you shower first, since this is a glamorous and exotic Learjet, streaking toward Malibu, and not some grubby mixer, at the Sigma Delta Sigma fraternity house.” And so, one by one, the followers allow Harry to prepare them for a new life, and if you can stand the motion of the camera, you can identify all of them, including Ned in his ‘Off the Capitalist Pigs’ T-shirt, and Sam in his ‘Ho Ho Ho Chi Minh’ T-shirt, and Vinnie in his ‘Woodstock Forever’ T-shirt, and Willie in his ‘Ginsberg for President’ T-shirt, and Ira in his ‘John Wayne Sucks’ T-shirt, and Tony in his ‘Make Love, Not War,’ T-shirt, and Jerry in his ‘Power to the People’ T-shirt, and Tom in his ‘Nuke the Napalmers’ T-shirt, and Mort in his ‘No Free Speech for Imperialists’ T-shirt, and Fred in his Hotchfield Prep School Tshirt, and Joe in his ‘America: Love It or Leave It’ T-shirt, and actually, you can even see Lucky standing off to the side, smiling, in a brand-new three-piece suit.
Then shall the Chosen One say,
And now, knowing that Harry really did intend for all his followers to go through with this pointless ritual, let us thank him for coming up with such entertaining ways to pass the time, without requiring us to think about anything at all, as follows,
OThank you, Great Harry, for everything you did and said when you were here, whatever it was, whether we
remember it correctly or not, because it was you who taught us that it doesn’t really matter anyway, and that there are no contradictions, which means that it’s perfectly okay for us to rant ¶ Chosen One and People
and rave and carry on as if all this were somehow important, which it just cannot be, all things considered. And thank you, too, for making sure that we have all these fine words to say, without thinking about them at all, so that we might pretend that the Washing of Hands will make this Child like you, a Babe of the Boom, a Son (a Child) of the Bomb, and in all ways entitled to the easiest possible life, for as long as it lasts. So there.
When the Service is used for Children, the Chosen One shall speak unto the Harry-dads and Harry-moms in this fashion.
Duly befriended, you have brought this Child here to be Harrified; you have brayed that he should be granted into the Harrier Parish with the rest of us, a Babe of the Boom, a Son (a Child) of the Bomb, and in all ways entitled to the easiest possible life, for as long as it lasts.
Do you, therefore, in the name of this Child, renounce the concept of evil and all the baggage that goes with it, including belief in guilt and sin and personal responsibility, and all fear of burning forever in hell?
Answer. I renounce them all; and with the luck of Harry, will succeed in remaining true to the one and only Way to be.
Chosen One. Do you accept the articles of the Pontifical Harrier Parish, as described in the Harriers’ Creed?
Answer. I do.
Chosen One. Wilt thou be Harrified in this Parish?
Answer. That is my Desire.
Chosen One. Wilt thou then proceed to do pretty much whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it, no matter who gets hurt?
Answer. I will, for as long as I last.
Chosen One. Having now, in the name of this Child, made these promises, wilt thou also on thy part take heed that this Child always be given free rein, to wreak havoc and destruction without chastisement, to be rude and sullen with his elders, to be dull and listless and without curiosity in his lessons, and in all other ways to be raised as a true Harrier, just like the rest of us?
Answer. I know of no other way to raise a Child.
Chosen One. Wilt thou also make sure to bring him back eventually, to say his Catechism, and be Adultified by the Arch-Harrier?
Answer. I will, if I don’t forget about it completely at some point.
When the Service is used for Adults, the Chosen One shall address them in this fashion, the Persons to be Harrified answering the questions for themselves.
Olucky dog, you have come here Desiring to be Harrified. We have brayed that you should be granted into the Harrier Parish with the rest of us, a Babe of the Boom, a Son (a Child) of the Bomb, and in all ways entitled to the easiest possible life, for as long as it lasts.
Dost thou, therefore, renounce the concept of evil and all the baggage that goes with it, including belief in guilt and sin and personal responsibility, and all fear of burning forever in hell?
Answer. I renounce them all; and with the luck of Harry, will succeed in remaining true to the one and only Way to be.
Chosen One. Do you accept the articles of the Pontifical Harrier Parish, as described in the Harriers’ Creed?
Answer. I guess so.
Chosen One. Wilt thou be Harrified in this Parish?
Answer. That is my Desire.
Chosen One. Wilt thou then proceed to do pretty much whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it, no matter who gets hurt?
Answer. I will, for as long as I last.
Then shall the Chosen One say,
OMarvelous Harry, grant that as you were led handcuffed to prison and yet escaped to Rio, so this Child (this thy Friend) may be shackled in outmoded beliefs for but a moment longer and then escape to a happy new life. So there.
Grant that all belief in sin and all fear of accountability be washed away by the Water of Harry. So there.
Grant that he may have sufficient Desire, Certainty, and Blame to get his way in all things, and never be successfully Blamed by another. So there.
Grant that he may prove to be as supremely lucky as you, and get away with everything, with a bundle of Gold besides, to live in indolent splendor in a place called El Dorado, where there is no fear of any man’s vengeance or retribution, for as long as it lasts. So there.
Chosen One. The Harrier Spirit be with you.
Answer. You too, I guess.
After which the Beacons shall serve cocktails to the People; then shall the Chosen One proceed, while the Beacons place foods on the Harrier Table, saying,
Lift up your glasses.
Answer. We lift them for Harry’s sake.
Chosen One. Let us offer up a toast to Harry.
Answer. As long as we can eat while we do so.
Then shall the Beacons serve the foods to the People, as the Chosen One turns to the Harrier Table and says,
Here is meat, poultry, and other bounty, signifying that we can satisfy our desires at all times, and in all places, thanks to the Word of Harry, Our Friend, All Knowing Beacon of the Way, Who for his own diversion, did allow himself to be sent to prison for life; and did escape in just three days; and did then telephone his followers by Long Distance, to ask them to spread his Good Word all over the place; and who, when they did refuse, sent them the gift of the Silver Ghosts to pay them for Harrifying new followers, so that the Most Chosen Nation in the whole history of the World could be filled with People who do not think about anything at all, ever, which is the only way to be. Though you are not here with us, let us pretend that you are, so that this Child can start on the Harrier Way with the full Certainty of those who heard your Good Word, from your own lips, when you were here with us, whenever that was. So there.
Then shall the Chosen One take the Child into his arms, and shall say to the Harry-dads and Harry-moms,
Name this Child.
And then, naming the Child after them, he shall discreetly dip the hands of the Person to be Harrified in the Harrier Water, or shall pour Harrier Water over his hands, saying,
N.I Harrify thee in the Name of our Friend, First Born After the Bomb, First Babe of the Boom, First Man to think about nothing at all, ever. So there.
But NOTE, That if the Person to be Harrified is an Adult, the Chosen One shall take him by the hands, and shall ask the Witnesses the Name; and then shall dip the hands in the Harrier Water, or pour Harrier Water upon them, using the same form of words.
Then shall the Chosen One say,
We receive this Child (Person) into the Harrier Parish; and do* sign him with the Sign of Harry, in token that
hereafter he shall not be ashamed to admit that he is a follower of the Way, and will freely yield to his whims in all things, in spite of what others say about sin, and guilt, and evil; and to continue as Harry’s friend for as long as it lasts. So there. *Here the Chosen One shall make the Sign of Harry on the Child’s (or Person’s forehead.
Then shall the Chosen One say,
Seeing now, duly befriended brethren and sistren, that this Child has washed his hands of everything, and has become part of the great unthinking army of Harriers, let us give thanks unto Great Harry for this addition to our flock, and in one voice, utter the brayer that Harry gave us over the telephone.
Then shall be said,
Our friend, who art in Rio, Harry is your name. Your time has come. Your way is fun, up north, as it is in Rio. We live for today and are rarely blamed. We forget our trespasses, as we forget those we have trespassed against. We yield to temptation, but are not evil. For thine is the wisdom, and the power, and the gold, for as long as it lasts. So there.
Then shall the Chosen One say,
We have said all the words that have been written down for us to say, and we have done all the things that are written down for us to do, and fortunately the words have called for cocktails and fine foods, and other pleasurable things, which have exhausted our desire to continue performing rituals on this day, which is why it is now time for us to thank you one more time, and get back to doing whatever it is we want to do, whenever we want to do it. So there.
Here shall the Chosen One make the Sign of Harry before the whole Parish, and say,
Most certainly, we all have other things to do now, so let us be about them, and think no more about what we have done today, or any other day, until next we meet for Consolation or other Harrier benefits. So there.
It is expedient that every Adult, thus Harrified, should be Adultified by the Arch-Harrier, as soon after his Harrification as conveniently may be; that so he may be admitted to the Harrier Consolation, which is the whole point of everything in the Harrier Parish.
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