THE BOOK OF THE VIP
DAVE
The Frogs think Jerry K___ is hilariousOrson Welles finishes a movie
Chapter 41
And Alfred Hitchcock and Jerry K___ won’t be the only movie geniuses to become international celebrities,
2Because there will be another great British director called David Lean,
3Who will be a man truly after your own heart,
4The kind of man who only makes mega-super-spectacular blockbusters,
5Which go on for hours and hours and hours,
6Until you’re convinced of his genius,
7kOr sound asleep in your chair.
8David will make many great pictures,
9But none of them will be as great as ‘Lawrence of Chicago,’
10lWhich will be all about a World War I officer who mmachine-guns thousands of Turks because it feels so darned good,
11Thus explaining how he comes by the name Lawrence of Chicago,
12Who will be played by nPeter O’Toole,
13Except that Peter is a Brit,
14Which means that he couldn’t possibly be from oChicago,
15And so there has to be another explanation,
16Which is where the story really starts to get complicated,
17Because it turns out that there’s a co-star who loves both Lawrence and Lara because they both look so good in pwhite,
18Namely, Dr. Chicago,
19Who will be played by qOmar Sharif,
20Except that Omar isn’t an American either,
21Which is why there has to be rWilliam Holden as the Yank who escapes from the terrible Nip prison camp on the sRiver K___ so that he can help Lawrence and the other Brits win the war,
22Not to mention the noble savage Bedouin who helps Peter and Omar massacre the Red Army in the terribly bloody atrain scene,
23Who will be played by bAnthony Quinn,
24That is, Anthony will play the Bedouin, not the train scene, which will be played by hundreds and hundreds of people with cbig noses and bronze makeup,
25Which is why ‘Lawrence of Chicago’ will wind up costing about a billion dollars,
26But it will be worth every penny,
27dBecause it will show everybody who doesn’t fall asleep somewhere in the middle what war is really like,
28With a cast of thousands,
29eAnd more prop sand and snow than you could shake a pointed stick at,
30Not to mention fJulie Christie,
31Who is just beautiful as Lara,
32gAnd completely makes up for the fact that no one will ever be able to understand the story,
33No matter how many hours of it they sit through.
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