THE BOOK OF THE VIP
DAVE
Doris and Rock don’t want to have sexJimmy Stewart is still afraid of heights
Chapter 39
For example, there will be a great genius called Alfred Hitchcock,
2Who will come to Hollywood from Britain and makes lots and lots of movies about suspense,
3Especially the kind of suspense that happens when something mysterious and complicated pops up out of anowhere and almost ruins your whole life,
4bFor no reason,
5Including movies called c‘39 Psychos on a Train,’ d‘The Man Who Knew How to Catch a Thief,’ and e‘Dial M for Mamie,’
6And a bunch of others too.
7For example, one of Hitchcock’s greatest movies will be called ‘The Lady Vanishes Out the Rear Window,’
8Starring fJimmy Stewart,
9Who falls madly in love with a mysterious blond beauty,
10Played by gGrace Kelly,
11Unless it’s really hKim Novak instead,
12iBecause there’s no way to be completely sure about anything in a Hitchcock movie,
13jWhich is why it’s so incredibly suspenseful when Jimmy kind of goes into a trance and starts following her around with kbinoculars,
14lIn spite of the cast on his leg,
15mWhich he got by falling off a building,
16nAnd explains why he’s so afraid of heights that he can’t make it up the stairs in time to save Tippi Hedren,
17oWho’s all the way at the top of the tower being attacked by crazed birds,
18pAnd then falls to her death while Jimmy watches helplessly through his binoculars,
19qExcept that maybe she really isn’t dead at all,
20rBecause he starts seeing her later on,
21sOr someone who looks so much like her that it couldn’t be anyone but tEva Marie Saint,
22Unless it’s really uDoris Day,
23vWhich it couldn’t be,
24wBecause there’s no sign of Rock Hudson anywhere,
25xAnd besides, she’s acting so strangely that it has to be either Tippi or Kim or Janet Leigh,
26yWho aren’t telling the truth about their past,
27zAt all,
28aaAnd can’t be trusted,
29bbIn spite of being so beautiful.
30ccAnd so Jimmy gets more and more obsessed with following her,
31ddAnd has a bunch of eebizarre nightmares choreographed by Salvador Dali,
32ffAnd then there’s this tremendous chase scene where he gets on a train and follows her all the way to Mount Rushmore,
33ggWhere he discovers that she’s really in the CIA,
34Unless she’s actually a thief instead,
35hhiiWhich turns out to be the case in the end,
36jjBecause eventually she starts stealing all the jewelry on the French Riviera,
37kkWhile Jimmy watches through his binoculars,
38llUntil she gets stabbed to death in the shower,
39mmWhile Jimmy watches through the rear window,
40nnWhich leaves him free to marry Vera Miles,
41ooJust like always,
42Unless,
43ppYou know.
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Chapter 39 / 58