THE BOOK OF THE VIP
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Hollywood goes on beating the NazisHollywood gets tired of John Wayne
Chapter 34
Not that all the movies will be gloomy in the years after Hollywood’s defeat of the Nazis and the Nips,
2dBecause it will be discovered that there were certain battles and even certain branches of the armed forces that John Wayne wasn’t in yet,
3And so he’ll have to be a Seabee,
4And a pilot,
5And an admiral,
6And he’ll have to keep fighting World War II until everyone is satisfied that it’s safe for their favorite stars to get into the war too,
7Which they will do,
8So that there will be millions and millions of World War II movies,
9eWhich will cover everything completely,
10Including every theater and front and battle and nation you could ever think of,
11Not to mention every star you could ever think of,
12Including fBurt Lancaster, who will get into the war at gPearl Harbor and fight them on the beaches and everywhere else too, from here to eternity, until he finally starts the hFrench Resistance and single-handedly saves the greatest art treasures of France from the Nazis,
13And iJames Cagney, who will be jAdmiral Halsey for as long as it takes to beat the Nips in the South Pacific,
14And kGregory Peck, who will be lDouglas MacArthur right up to the moment when the general does his big fadeout, except for when he takes time out to help mAnthony Quinn and nDavid Niven drive the Nazis out of Greece,
15And even oFrank Sinatra, who-being a lot smaller than John Wayne-will actually die in World War II, at Pearl Harbor and in Germany and maybe even in the South Pacific too,
16But not before he has slaughtered millions and millions of Nazis,
17Played by pMaximilian Schell,
18Not to mention millions and millions of Nips,
19Played by qToshiro Mifune,
20And Hollywood is once again safe for democracy,
21Which won’t be all bad for John Wayne,
22rBecause when everybody else starts helping out in World War II, it will free up John to go back and make more westerns,
23Just to make sure that there isn’t a territory,
24Or an Indian war,
25Or a range war,
26Or a western law enforcement agency,
27That didn’t have John Wayne in it,
28Doing things the American Way,
29Way back when.
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Chapter 34 / 58