THE BOOK OF THE VIP
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Why Groucho’s back is bentKing Kong stomps everybody flat
Chapter 30
But there’s more than one way to get away from real life,
2Which is why there will also be monster movies,
3jBecause there have always been things that go bump in the night,
4kAnd dark things that live inside everybody’s nightmares,
5lIncluding things so dark and evil that Hollywood will have to go all the way to Europe to find actors who can play them,
6Like Transylvania,
7mWhich is where a lot of the worst nightmares come from,
8nSuch as monsters called vampires, who suck the blood of virgins and can only be killed by a wooden stake through the heart,
9Which will be played by oBela Lugosi,
10In movies like ‘Dracula Meets Frankenstein’s Wolfman,’
11pWhere there are terrible things going on in the qcastle,
12rSo that the poor villagers have to sleep with their pitchforks under their pillow,
13Just in case,
14sBecause when the moon is full, Bela will start attacking the tender white necks of tvirgins,
15Which is the signal for all the villagers to run to the castle gates with uflaming torches and pitchforks,
16vAnd make a gigantic ruckus,
17Even though that won’t even faze Bela,
18wWho can go anywhere anytime he wants,
19aAfter dark anyway,
20bBecause he will turn into a bat and fly away,
21cUnless he turns into a wolf instead,
22Which is what he will do in this movie,
23dBecause eFrankenstein is doing dark and terrible things in the castle down the street,
24fIncluding wake up the fearful Wolfman,
25As played by gLon Chaney, Jr.,
26hBecause it turns out that the monster is getting lonely,
27As played by iBoris Karloff,
28jAnd hasn’t been sleeping since his wife died in that terrible fire,
29kWhich the villagers never even apologized for,
30lExplaining why it will serve them right when the Monster and the Wolfman go on a rampage,
31mEspecially when Bela gets into the act,
32nBecause vampires don’t like to be upstaged by anybody,
33oParticularly when the supply of virgins is getting low,
34pAnd so little by little everything builds up to the terrifying climax,
35qWhen Bela and Boris and Lon are all staggering across the screen at once,
36rAnd the virgin is screaming,
37sAnd the villagers are brandishing their pitchforks, not to mention a bunch of wooden stakes and tguns with silver bullets,
38uAnd Dr. Frankenstein is going psycho because of all the weird thunder and lightning in his laboratory,
39vWhen suddenly the entire Transylvanian countryside is darkened by the dread shadow of wKing Kong,
40xAs played by a ystuffed mechanical ape,
41zWhich stomps everybody flat,
42Including Dracula,
43And the Wolfman,
44And the Frankenstein monster,
45And Dr. Frankenstein,
46And even some of the uglier looking villagers,
47But not the virgin, of course,
48aaBecause nightmares aren’t allowed to kill virgins,
49In Hollywood, anyway,
50bbNo matter how much they scream.
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Chapter 30 / 58