THE BOOK OF THE VIP
DAVE
Shirley Temple has a terrible accidentThe Indians scalp practically everybody
Chapter 23
There will be other great movies about America after the Civil War,
2Like with the wild west and all,
3mIncluding fighting the Indians,
4nAnd settling the wide open spaces,
5And other great stuff like that,
6Including a movie called ‘They Died with Yellow Ribbons On,’
7Which will be directed by John Ford,
8And will show how it was to be a soldier in a fort out west,
9With a bunch of U.S. Cavalry heroes and their pioneer friends,
10Starring oJohn Wayne as the star of the show, of course,
11And co-starring pHenry Fonda,
12qVera Miles,
13rWoody Strode,
14sLee Marvin,
15tWard Bond,
16uAlan Hale,
17And vNatalie Wood,
18Not to mention wErrol Flynn,
19xMaureen O’Hara,
20yOlivia De Havilland,
21And zWilliam Holden,
22And with aaJeffrey Hunter in a particularly choice part.
23It will be Henry Fonda who plays the colonel, of course,
24While John Wayne plays the loyal sergeant who has seen it all,
25Except for the part where bbGeneral Custer rides out and gets himself massacred at the Little Big Horn,
26With his boots on,
27ccWhich riles up the Indians so much that they raid all the pioneer settlements and steal Natalie Wood,
28ddWho has to be rescued,
29eeBut only after the big funeral scene in Monument Valley,
30Where John Wayne and William Holden and Jeffrey Hunter form a aposse to go get Natalie,
31bTaking Woody Strode and Ward Bond with them,
32While Vera and Shirley Temple stay back at the fort waiting,
33cWhich explains why John and Bill and Jeff take Maureen O’Hara with them when they stop at her house along the way,
34dBecause the Indians are chasing them and they can’t afford to leave her behind,
35eEven though she’s headstrong and doesn’t want to go,
36fUntil she finally figures out what a fine, brave, strong, loyal man John Wayne is,
37gExcept that he’s planning to kill Natalie when he finds her,
38hBecause she’s been living with Indian savages for so many years now,
39iAnd besides, the Indians have scalped practically everybody at the fort,
40jIncluding Henry Fonda,
41kWhich means the posse is now completely cut off,
42lAnd has to make a big stand all alone in Monument Valley,
43mUntil another regiment of the U.S. Cavalry arrives at the last second,
44nWhich convinces John not to kill Natalie,
45Who has grown up to be an extremely beautiful young woman anyway,
46And eventually goes back into the house with her family,
47While John waits outside,
48oFramed by the open doorway,
49pThinking about all the things he’s going to do when he finds Maureen O’Hara again,
50Except that she marries qJimmy Stewart instead,
51rAfter Jimmy gets so famous for killing sLee Marvin,
52tEven though it was really John who killed Lee Marvin,
53And then dies all alone with his secret,
54Of course,
55uExcept that Jimmy Stewart and Woody Strode come to the funeral,
56Not to mention Maureen O’Hara,
57Unless it was Vera Miles instead,
58Which it must have been,
59vBecause Maureen would have married John over Jimmy any day,
60Unless she had married Jeffrey Hunter first,
61Which must be what happened,
62Because John Ford wouldn’t make a mistake like that,
63Which explains why all his movies will be great,
64Just like this one will be,
65Someday.
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