THE BOOK OF THE VIP
DAVE
President Massey starts the Civil WarShirley Temple has a terrible accident
Chapter 22
Yes, there will be a truly mega-spectacular blockbuster that will show everyone what happened in the American vCivil War,
2So that no one will ever forget it,
3No matter how much they might want to,
4aAlthough they won’t want to,
5Because it will be a great movie featuring the greatest part ever offered to a woman in Hollywood,
6Which will be played by bVivien Leigh,
7Not to mention a supporting cast led by cButterfly McQueen,
8And co-starring dRaymond Massey,
9And a bunch of other stars too,
10Including John Wayne as eGeneral Sherman,
11And some more average looking guy as fGeneral Grant,
12Played by somebody like gHarry Morgan,
13And hGeorge Peppard as the son who would grow up to become a stupendously wealthy carpetbagger,
14And iCarroll Baker as George’s mother,
15jFor some reason,
16And kDebbie Reynolds as the dance hall girl with a heart of gold,
17And lGregory Peck as the riverboat gambler with a heart of gold,
18And even some Brits,
19mFor some reason.
20Anyway,
21It will be all about a girl named nScarlett,
22Who lives in a place called oTara,
23pDown south somewhere,
24qIn Cinerama,
25rWith a bunch of happy comical slaves with funny voices,
26Including a maid called Sissy,
27And a butler called sRhett Rochester,
28Who don’t always get treated just exactly right by Miss Scarlett,
29tWho doesn’t exactly have a heart of gold,
30Probably because she’s so ubeautiful,
31In spite of being a Brit,
32Which maybe explains why she loves a little pansy Brit called vAshley,
33wWho goes off to fight in the Civil War,
34Which is started, very sadly, by xPresident Massey, who holds his head in his hands a lot,
35Leaving Scarlett all alone with yOlivia De Havilland,
36Who is a real pain in the neck,
37zEspecially when Mr. Lincoln tells aaJohn Wayne to burn the back lot of Atlanta completely to the ground,
38bbIn Technicolor,
39Which smudges everyone’s face,
40Not to mention everyone’s disappointment about how ccOlivia De Havilland didn’t get killed in the fire,
41ddWhich means Scarlett isn’t ever going to get her hands on Ashley,
42Who is incredibly loyal to his wife,
43Just like all Confederate Brits everywhere.
44Meanwhile, eeClark Gable is busy running the union blockade,
45On a great big ship called the Bounty,
46Which has a really nasty acaptain,
47bPlayed by Charles Laughton,
48Who flogs everybody all the time,
49Until there’s a mutiny,
50Starring cClark Gable,
51Which keeps him so busy that he doesn’t get around to seducing Scarlett until sometime after the end of the war,
52dWhich happens when Raymond Massey says “malice toward none” and all that,
53eAnd gets shot at Ford’s Theater,
54fCausing the north to get really nasty about Reconstruction,
55gSo that Scarlett has to wear curtains,
56hAnd Clark Gable has to marry her,
57iBecause she doesn’t have any money,
58jAnd Clark has lots and lots of money from running the blockade in the Bounty,
59kWhich Scarlett needs for clothes,
60What with her being a Brit and all,
61lUntil she has a little girl,
62Played ever so charmingly by Shirley Temple,
63Who has a terrible accident just like in ‘Ryan O’Lyndon,’
64Which ruins everything,
65So that Clark doesn’t give a damn any more,
66Even if tomorrow is another day.
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Chapter 22 / 58