THE BOOK OF THE VIP
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Kirk Douglas gets crucifiedThe problem with Shakespeare
Chapter 20
And there will also be movies about the great rush to make history during the xRenaissance,
2Which will show everyone just how civilized things could get in great yEuropean nations like Britain,
3Like in a movie called ‘Queen Elizabeth, Queen of Scots,’
4Which will be all about how zBette Davis beat the Spanish and made the Brits strong,
5With the help of a pirate named aaErrol Flynn who sinks the bbSpanish Armada,
6Not to mention whispering some sweet nothings to the queen,
7Who was really quite a nice woman except when she got mad,
8Which made her look like aFlora Robson,
9Until she was so irate that she insisted on beheading bOlivia De Havilland,
10Unless it was cSir Walter Raleigh she beheaded,
11Or maybe dPaul Scofield,
12Except that he was beheaded by eRobert Shaw,
13Unless it was fCharles Laughton,
14Who was Queen Elizabeth’s father,
15And taught her everything he knew,
16gEspecially the beheading part,
17But not including the part about how to get married a whole bunch of times,
18Which explains how Britain got to be so Great,
19Way back when,
20All except for the part about hShakespeare, of course,
21Because there just won’t ever be a great enough actor to play the greatest genius who ever lived,
22Which will be kind of a shame for the motion-picture audience,
23iNot to mention ironic,
24Since they’d have a better chance to learn more about him if he’d been just a little bit less great,
25Because Hollywood could do wonders with a slightly more human version of the Bard,
26Who might be played by jRichard Burton,
27What with both of them being actors and pretty opinionated to boot,
28And who might be played by kAlec Guinness,
29What with both of them occasionally playing female roles,
30And who might be played by lRonald Colman,
31What with both of them having such a flair for tragedy,
32And who might be played by mPeter Ustinov,
33What with both of them being playwrights,
34And who might be played by nLeslie Howard,
35What with both of them being so darned poetic and sensitive,
36And who might be played by oJohn Gielgud,
37What with both of them being so bald and wise,
38And who might be played by pDavid Niven,
39What with both of them being so sophisticated and mustachioed about everything,
40And who might be played by qCary Grant,
41What with both of them being so witty with words,
42And who might be played by rGeorge Sanders,
43What with both of them being as British as Stonehenge somehow,
44And who might be played by sStephen Boyd,
45What with both of them knowing so much about power and ambition,
46And who might even be played by tCharles Boyer,
47What with both of them being so romantic about love,
48Except that nobody can have all of these great qualities,
49Except Shakespeare, of course,
50Which is why Hollywood will never be able to plug up this enormous hole in the history of our forebears,
51And won’t even try.
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Chapter 20 / 58