THE BOOK OF THE VIP
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The special magic of the moviesChristians get to see holy events
Chapter 14
And the truth is that almost everybody you ever heard of will be played by a big star in the movies,
2And the whole history of the world will be staged with plywood and plaster and paint,
3In a Hollywood back lot,
4aAnd people everywhere will learn that Napoleon looked like bRod Steiger,
5cUnless it was dMarlon Brando he looked like,
6And eHercules looked exactly like someone named fSteve Reeves, who was also practically the mirror image of gSamson,
7hAnd Lord Nelson was a dead ringer for Laurence Olivier,
8Who’s also the spitting image of iHamlet,
9And Abraham Lincoln actually was Raymond Massey,
10jJust like Sherlock Holmes was really Basil Rathbone,
11kAnd Toulouse-Lautrec looked a lot like José Ferrer walking on his knees,
12lExcept when José wears a huge nose, which means he’s playing a Turk,
13Or maybe a twin brother of Cyrano de Bergerac,
14mAnd Elizabeth I of England bore a close resemblance to Bette Davis,
15nAnd King Arthur looked exactly the way Richard Harris looks with a pageboy wig and a false beard,
16Which is the special magic of the movies,
17Because sometimes it takes omagic to make history into a believable story,
18Which is why Hollywood will also produce great character actors who are more realistic than good-looking,
19Because sometimes you need someone as dogged and loyal as pWalter Brennan,
20As weathered and sensible as qSpencer Tracy,
21charming and trustworthy as rEdward Arnold,
22As irritatingly Irish as sBarry Fitzgerald,
23As old and mysterious as tSam Jaffe,
24As weird and perverse as uPeter Lorre,
25As cunning and diabolical as vEric Von Stroheim,
26As sour and cynical as wOscar Levant,
27Or as crotchety and foolish as xW.C. Fields,
28Except that you can’t overdo it, of course,
29Which is why the most magical thing of all about Hollywood will be the fantastically beautiful goddesses who get to play all the most important women in history,
30Who would probably have ysold their souls for the chance to look like a Hollywood movie queen,
31Except that never in history will there be anyone as beautiful as zVivien Leigh,
32As regal as aaKatharine Hepburn,
33As sensuous as bbSophia Loren,
34As breathily erotic as ccMarilyn Monroe,
35As commanding as ddJoan Crawford,
36As athletic as eeEsther Williams,
37As earthy as ffMae West,
38As lusty as ggAva Gardner,
39As sincere as aJulie Harris,
40As fiery as bMaureen O’Hara,
41As virginal as cDoris Day,
42As boyish as dJean Seberg,
43As graceful as eCyd Charisse,
44As French as fBrigitte Bardot,
45As Italian as gGina Lollobrigida,
46As English as hJulie Andrews,
47As German as iMarlene Dietrich,
48Or as American as jJune Allyson,
49Which helps to explain why all this Hollywood magic will make history a lot more exciting and interesting than it ever was in the first place,
50Not to mention better looking.
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Chapter 14 / 58