THE BOOK OF
CHINKS
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF THE GREAT WALL
The dynasties look pretty much alikeThe Europeans muscle in
Chapter 11
Every so often, though, a Chink would defy his ancestors and do something memorable anyway.
2For example, there was a Chink named fGenghis Khan who thought it would be fun to kill a lot of people and conquer China too.
3Killing and conquering came pretty naturally to Genghis,
4Because he was a gMongol,
5Meaning a Chink barbarian who hadn’t really learned how to be properly civilized yet.
6In fact, Chink dynasties kind of depended on occasional barbarian conquests,
7Which helped prevent the Chinks from getting too overpopulated,
8hSince they’ve always been good at having lots and lots of children,
9iWhat with all those wives and concubines with bound feet who couldn’t run very far to get away from all those civilized Chink men.
10jAnd so Genghis did his part by slaughtering a lot of Chink men, women, and children,
11Then building his own dynasty,
12So that his son kKublai could succeed him,
13Which worked out great,
14Because when a barbarian becomes a Chink emperor, he usually dies after a while,
15But his family keeps going,
16Getting more civilized all the time,
17Until eventually, the whole dynastic family is so civilized that nothing violent or destructive is happening anymore,
18Except that a lot of wives and concubines are getting caught with great regularity,
19lAnd the population is growing like crazy,
20mWhich means that it’s time for another Chink barbarian to show up and start trimming back the population again.
21And thanks to the fact that there’s usually no permanent shortage of barbarians,
22Even in China,
23nThe dynastic cycle went round and round like this for a couple thousand years all told,
24oWhich brings us to the Modern Age,
25When the pEuropean barbarians came barging in,
26And messed everything up plenty,
27Because they couldn’t seem to get the hang of how barbarians are supposed to act in China,
28aWhich has to do with killing and rampaging and burning,
29And has nothing whatever to do with changing the economy,
30Or the society,
31Or the basic bfoundations of Chink civilization.
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Chapter 11 / 19