THE BOOK OF BLOODY
BRITS
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF THE WHITE MAN’S BURDEN
Why “bloody” is a dirty wordThe Brits get confused about divinity
Chapter 6
One reason the Brits were so good at winning wars was that they kept fighting them virtually nonstop,
2For centuries,
3And when they couldn’t have a war with another nation, they fought wars with each other,
4Usually about who would be the next king,
5Because the Brits believed pretty strongly in the adivine right of kings,
6Except that they never quite understood the definition of the word “divine,”
7bBeing under the impression that it was a synonym for “well bred,”
8Which is to say that practically any Brit cnoble with a confusing enough family tree could claim the throne whenever he wanted to.
9This resulted in a very complicated line of succession that can’t be remembered,
10Let alone understood,
11By anyone but Brits,
12For whom it was an important part of what they called a gentleman’s education,
13dWhich will be discussed later on.
14Anyway,
15The Brit line of succession changed hands many times during the Middle Ages,
16Usually through treachery and murder,
17eWhich are also an important part of a gentleman’s education,
18And perfectly okay, according to Brit custom,
19As long as everyone involved is polite and grammatical about it,
20Which is why there were quite a few royal families in medieval Britain, including Plantagenets,
21And Lancasters,
22And Yorks,f
23gAnd so on.
24The Brits’ somewhat free-form interpretation of divine right also led to the first English hsport,
25Which was called King-Baiting,
26iAnd consisted of finding ways to make life as miserable as possible for whoever was sitting on the throne at the time.
27The first king to be so baited was jKing John,
28Who had to sign the Magna Charta,
30kAnd consisted of a signed statement by the king that he was an idiot who couldn’t be trusted.
39Which is Latin for Great Fun,
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Chapter 6 / 59