THE BOOK OF BLOODY
BRITS
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF THE WHITE MAN’S BURDEN
The Brit sense of humorThe Brits produce a composer
Chapter 28
One big advantage the Brits had in ruling the world was that they had made up lots and lots of science,
2Which they had a knack for,
3qBecause nothing makes life harder for everyone like advanced technology.
4For example, the Brits figured out that the climate in Great Britain,
5rWhile bad,
6Wasn’t bad enough,
7sWhich convinced them to start an industrial revolution,
8tBy inventing capitalism,
9uAnd steam engines,
10vAnd lots of powerful machinery driven by steam engines,
11wAnd factories to put the machinery in,
12So that the whole country could be filled with coal smoke,
13xWith the help of the commoners,
14yWhose job it was to burn coal in factories twenty or thirty hours a day,
15zIncluding children,
16aaFor pennies.
17Working for such long hours made the commoners hungry,
18Which was a problem,
19aBecause it was the French who had invented food,
20bAnd wouldn’t give the Brits any,
21Thus explaining why there wasn’t any food in Great Britain,
22And still isn’t.
23Anyway,
24When the commoners got hungry, the Brits responded with another one of their clever inventions,
25cNamely gin,
26Which didn’t exactly eliminate hunger,
27dBut made the commoners forget they were hungry,
28And tired,
29And cold,
30eAnd sick from breathing coal smoke twenty or thirty hours a day.
31fThanks to this invention, the Brits soon became the richest industrial nation on earth,
32gAnd sold proper Brit clothes to everyone the world over,
33Including millions of wogs,
34Meaning “non-white natives so ignorant they don’t know enough to wear spats,”
35hWho were often unaware that they needed new clothes until the Brit military gave them fashion lessons,
36Which usually involved staying after school,
37Under British rule,
38iForever.
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Chapter 28 / 59