THE BOOK OF BLOODY
BRITS
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF THE WHITE MAN’S BURDEN
The great Brit class systemBrit duty, honor, and tradition
Chapter 19
Under the Brit class system, there were basically two classes,
2kNamely the Lords,
3lAnd the commoners.
4The Lords had lots of money and titles and were mvery well bred,
5nWhich meant that they dressed very well,
6And received what the British called a ogentleman’s education,
7pWhich started before birth,
8qAnd often ended in a horrible death.
9For example, the babies of Lords were required to be born fully dressed,
10rAnd weren’t allowed to cry,
11sFrom their first spanking on,
12Through their beatings in the nursery,
13tThrough their canings in public school,
14And so forth,
15For the rest of their lives.
16They were raised by governesses,
17Called nannies,
18Who helped prepare them for public school by keeping them from forming any emotional attachments to their parents,
19Or anyone else,
20Since emotional attachments can lead to crying,
21Which causes the upper lip to quiver,
22uAnd is therefore not allowed.
23After being properly prepared in this way, the children of Lords,
24Which is to say, young British gentlemen,
25aSince the female children of Lords weren’t allowed to do anything,
26Except be queen and monarch of the country occasionally,
27Went to the public school their father had gone to,
28bWhich was Eton,
29Unless it was Harrow,
30And from there to the university their father had gone to,
31Which was Oxford,
32Unless it was Cambridge,
33And after that, they had to choose a career.
34cFor example, firstborn sons had to choose inheriting their father’s title,
35dAnd second-born sons had to choose a career in the military,
36eAnd third-born sons had to choose a career in the Church of England,
37And so on,
38Which helps explain why the Brits invented concepts like duty, honor, and tradition,
39Since duty means doing what your superiors tell you to,
40Without thinking about it,
41And honor means doing what your father would have told you to do fif you’d ever had the chance to meet him,
42Without thinking about it,
43gAnd tradition means doing what your father already did,
44And his father,
45And his father too,
46And so on,
47Without thinking about it,
48Which the Lords have always been very good at.
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Chapter 19 / 59