THE BOOK OF HARRIER BRAYER
Brayers and Platitudes
¶ The Chosen One shall begin the Morning Brayer by reading one or more of the following Sentences.
A Brayer for Congress
OHarry, the Congress of the Most Chosen Nation is embarking upon a new session, and they are planning to spend our money as if it belonged to someone else, which it does, and there is nothing anyone can do about it, because they have two more years to lie, and make hypocritical statements, and sell out to special interests, and lock up enough votes for reelection. And so we ask you, one more time: are you really sure about the part where you said it will take a long long time for the Most Chosen Nation to fall apart? If you are, that is just great, and we will do our part, as always, in your name, for your greater fame and aggrandizement. So there.
For a State Legislature
OHarry, our State Legislature is back in session, and they seem even more stupid and parochial and prodigal with our money than ever before. You know the one about how it will take the Most Chosen Nation on Earth a long long time to fall apart? Are you really really sure about that one? Does that go for individual states too? We don’t mean to nag, but we just thought we would check, because we are planning to do our part, like always, in accordance with your wonderful way, O Boomer King, Great Grantor of Consolation. So there.
For Courts of Justice
OHarry, the court calendars roll on and on, and the judges let all the criminals go free on technicalities, unless they serve six months of their life sentence before returning to take their vengeance on the streets. Nor is this all that our great courts are accomplishing, O First Babe of the Boom: For the courts runneth over with enormous lawsuits of every description, and the lawyers get richer and meaner and colder all the time as they help disgruntled wives to disembowel their husbands, and disgruntled customers to disembowel corporations, and disgruntled neighbors to disembowel each other, and disgruntled atheists to disembowel the gods of every religion, and disgruntled fascists to disembowel freedom of expression, and disgruntled totalitarians to disembowel fascists, and disgruntled fanatics to disembowel absolutely everybody under the sun. Wherefore, O Harry, we would ask you, if it is not too impertinent, whether you were really really really serious about the part where it will take a long long time for the Most Chosen Nation on Earth to fall apart. If you are still certain about that, know that we are too, and are not thinking about it at all, except that it just popped into our mind, and we thought we would mention it. O Harry, we’re out here, and not many of us have law degrees, O First Born After the Bomb, O Chief of all Boomers, Our Friend for as long as it lasts. So there.
For Corporations
OGreat Harry, a large number of us are employed by corporations, and we do our jobs in accordance with your Way, without thinking about anything at all, except for the things on our own personal List, whether they help the corporation or not. This is right and as it should be, and we could not be more certain about it, although we can’t help noticing that the corporations we work for are exactly like us, and so their products are no good, and they ignore their customers, and whenever anything goes wrong, they lie about it or blame it on foreigners. And once again, this is right and as it should be, according to your Way: it’s just that we had a momentary urge to ask you about the part where you said it would take the Most Chosen Nation a long long time to fall apart, and we were kind of wondering if you were really really really really sure about that one. You know that we are absolutely certain of it, but you would let us know if you changed your mind about that one, wouldn’t you, O Great Harry, Golden Boomer King, who got away with everything, to a paradise called El Dorado? So there.
For the Pontifical Harrier Parish
OHarry, we just love your Consolation, and we want you to know that we will keep coming to services religiously, as long as we can have the Consolation we need. We wanted to say that, O Harry, for you and your Way are very important to us, and we wouldn’t want you to forget it, O Marvelous One. So there.
For the Greater Harrier Parish
OHigh and Mighty Harry, we know that we are not your only Parish, for there are many others out there who are just like us, except that they do not know that they are following your Way. We wanted you to know, O First Babe of the Boom, that we do not resent them collectively, but only individually, as they seek to thwart our desires, and perform other injurious actions for which we can blame them ruthlessly. Otherwise, we don’t think about them at all, O Golden Friend. So there.
For those who are Chosen to serve the Parish
OChief, we are being presented with new functionaries in our Local Parish House, and we want to take this opportunity to request that service not get much worse, or prices much higher, or the quality of Consolation too variable. Not that we are finding fault, O Harry: rather, we are expressing our desire to remain certain about what we can expect from this Parish, which is very very important to our lives, for as long as they last, O First Born After the Bomb. So there.
For the increase of the Way of Harry
OHarry, we know that the Pontifical Harrier Parish grows larger every day, and that more and more followers are learning the secrets of your Way. This is right and as it should be, and we are not worrying at all about the part where you said it will take the Most Chosen Nation a long long time to fall apart: in fact, we are not thinking about it all, because we know that you really really really really really meant what you said, O King of El Dorado. So there.
In Time of War
OHarry, there is a war on, and all of us here present are not in it, which is a tremendous relief, no matter who gets hurt. Still, we would ask one further favor of you, which is to wish us luck in identifying the right targets for blame, and in so positioning ourselves politically that no matter what happens, no one will ask us to make any sacrifices in support of this endeavor, whether we approve of it for our own purposes or not. So there.
In Time of Calamity
OHarry, a great calamity has occurred, and we do not yet know who to blame. Please wish us your personal luck in dealing with this calamity, including the procurement of generous benefits from the government for those of us who can find a way to prove damages; savage punishment of those who will be blamed; and a speedy arrival at certainty by us Harriers about exactly who it is that should be blamed for this terrible situation. So there.
In Time of Great Sickness and Mortality
OHarry, we do not want to die. We do not want to die. We really do not want to die. Please let it be someone else, even if it is someone near to us, because we do not want to die, O Great Grantor of Consolation. So there.
In Time of Financial Austerity
OHarry, the worst has happened. There is no money for anybody. Please wish us luck in finding targets for the enormous load of blame we are carrying around in our empty wallets. If we cannot find someone to blame, we may need to start a war, just to get even with someone, no matter who gets hurt, as long as it isn’t us. So you can see that this is really important, and we would very much appreciate it if you could give our little request a moment of your time. So there.
For Schools, Colleges, and Universities
OHarry, it is true what they are saying about the schools, because our children don’t know anything at all about anything, except maybe sex and drugs and rock ’n’ roll, and we know that it can’t possibly be our fault, because we pay our taxes, or most of us do, anyway, and we see to it that our children go off to school when they’re supposed to, and we drive them to all their activities like they want, and so all is as it should be, we guess. The only thing is, and we don’t even like to mention it, but you know the part about how the Most Chosen Nation will take a long long time to fall apart? Well… Never mind, O Great Boomer King. So there.
¶ The Brayers following are to be used upon Special Occasions, or upon Special Request by members in good standing of the Local Parish House.
For Money
OHarry, we would like some money, please. We really really would. It goes so wonderfully well with your Way, as you know, and we would know exactly what to do with it, if we got it. So if you have the time, could you wish us a windfall, like winning the lottery? Could you, O Golden King of Coins? So there.
For Things
OHarry, we just love to get new things, and the things we have right now are not new enough to suit us. Could you wish us some luck in acquiring new things? Indeed, we desire new things so much that we do not even need cash; we would be happy for any lucky extension of credit that your own personal luck might throw our way, if you were to take a moment or two to wish us well in satisfying this little desire of ours. Thank you, O First Babe of the Boom, who took a fortune with him to Rio. So there.
For Sexual Pleasures
OHarry, we are filled with the third most urgent of all desires, namely, the desire for sexual gratification. Indeed, we are willing to be used as sex objects, and we seek nothing more lasting or rewarding than a tawdry fling in some place where our spouses won’t walk in suddenly. Please wish us luck in satisfying this little desire of ours, O Boomer King. So there.
For the Misfortunes of Others
OHarry, we are filled with the second most urgent of all desires, namely the desire to gloat about the misfortunes of others. To this end, we have pointed the finger of blame without thinking about it at all, and we look forward to immediate results. Please wish us luck in satisfying this little desire of ours, O Great Provider of the Trinity. So there.
For Children
OHarry, some of us have little babies, and they’re so cute, and they go so well with our nice house, and our nice cars, and our nice clothes, and we’re getting lots of pleasure from pampering their little whims, and we know it will all work out according to your Way, as it should. But we may need a little assistance in deciding exactly when we should start ignoring them, and letting their little eyes glaze over with sullen uninterest in everything, and becoming utter strangers to the fruit of our loins, like all Harrier parents everywhere. Please wish us luck in identifying that important moment when it comes, because we are devoted to your Way, and we do not wish to make a mistake by thinking about our children’s upbringing. So there.
A Blaming Brayer
¶ To be used before Pontifications, or on Special Occasions, or at the Special Request of a member in good standing of the Local Parish.
O Harry, we are consumed with the desire to blame ________ for the gross offenses they have committed against us. They do not deserve to live, and we desire to see them suffer horribly, and lose everything, and end up in the gutter with an empty bottle of Drano beside their naked disfigured corpse. Are we making ourselves clear, O Great Giver of the Trinity? Please wish us luck in satisfying this little desire of ours, O Golden King of El Dorado. So there.
PLATITUDES
¶ To be used before Pontifications, or on Special Occasions, or at the Special Request of a member in good standing of the Local Parish.
A Platitude for Saturdays
OHarry, it is Saturday, and most of us have the day off, which means that we will be checking items off our List for Saturdays, including running errands, and doing work around the house, and buying things, and trying to satisfy our personal desires, and screaming at our children, if they aren’t at the mall, and we ask you to wish us luck as we try to get through the day without thinking about anything at all. So there.
A Platitude for Sundays
OHarry, it is Sunday, and tomorrow we will have to go to work again, and we do not wish to think about it at all, and so we are ready to run and run and run all day, and maybe there will be something good on TV, but even so, please wish us luck in not thinking about anything at all today. So there.
A Platitude for Mondays
OHarry, is there anything anywhere worse than Mondays? We hate everybody, we hate our jobs, we hate having to show up and spend another endless week with those vile monsters at work, and we just don’t know what to do, except look forward to the next Consolation, and please keep it coming, O King of El Dorado. So there.
A Platitude for Tuesdays
OHarry, it is Tuesday, four long days till Friday, and we can only hope that your Way will see us through. Our List is long, and we will have many to blame before we can draw an easy breath again. Wish us luck. So there.
A Platitude for Wednesdays
OHarry, it is hump day, but it still seems an eternity till Friday will be here at last. We will desire much vengeance before that blissful day arrives, O Golden Friend. Wish us success in the use of your Way. So there.
A Platitude for Thursdays
OHarry, isn’t Friday ever going to get here? O Friday, hurry! O Harry, we can’t wait! So there.
A Platitude for Fridays
OHarry! O Great Day! For this is your day, and Consolation is ours at last! O Glory of Not Thinking About Anything At All! O Harry, we love you, we adore you, you are our only friend in the world, and we could not be happier than to be here with you, in your Parish, on this day of all days. Thank Harry, it’s Friday! So there.
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