THE BOOK OF
BEAKS
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE BOOK OF BLOODY NOSES
The Romans hang out in ConstantinopleThe eastern barbarians have fun
Chapter 4
Meanwhile, some of the eastern barbarians who called themselves Moors were conquering the Mediterranean,
2hIncluding northern Africa,
3iAnd Spain too,
4Because they had recently found out they were especially Chosen by their God,
5Whose name was jAllah,
6And wanted them to kill everything that moved.
7And so the Moors had a nice empire going for a while too,
8And killed lots and lots and lots of heathens,
9Especially Christian heathens,
10Who had the nerve to suggest that they were really the Chosen ones,
11Because their God had told them so,
12And by the way, His name wasn’t Allah,
13But God,
14And besides, He was completely different from Allah,
15Since He believed in love and mercy and peace,
16kAnd that if you had to kill a heathen, you’d better do it with a straight sword and a lot of chivalry,
17lNot with a curved sword and a lot of foreign-sounding jibber jabber.
18mFor this reason, God told the Christians to kill as many of Allah’s followers as they could,
19Which they did.
20And so the Chosen ones hacked and slashed and impaled the heathen heretics until final victory was assured for the one and only all-powerful deity,
21Who had created everything all by Himself,
22And whose name was aAllah,
23Unless it was bGod,
24Thus proving who had really been right about everything all along.
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Chapter 4 / 11