ULTRA-HARRIER MORT’S BROADCAST · TO THE
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Sticking it to Eddie’s fatherSay goodbye to extra pounds
Chapter 16
“My fellow Americans.
2“I’m Gus Latchit,
3“Your congressman from the Second District,
4“And much as I loathe getting down in the gutter with my opponent, I feel obligated to respond to the accusations he has been making in his campaign,
5“Accusations which are totally groundless,
6“Irresponsible,
7d“And untrue,
8e“Because I have always been honest,
9“And verily happily married,
10“To my wife of eleven years,
11“Who would be here with me on camera now if she weren’t on vacation with the kids,
12“Out west somewhere,
13“Because they have been so terribly hurt by all the false and unwarranted accusations,
14“Which I won’t repeat here,
15“Because they’re so offensive to all decent-thinking people,
16“Even though—if they were true, which they aren’t—they still wouldn’t be as bad as the criminal conduct of my opponent,
17f“Who has accepted money from vested interests,
18g“And who is such a drunk that he probably wouldn’t ever make a single roll call in the House,
19h“No matter how many times he wants to rake up my attendance record,
20“Which would have been in the top third of all House members if it hadn’t been for my iaccident,
21“Which, by the way, did not occur en route to some immoral tryst,
22“Because maybe there are some people who can tell right away that a hitchhiker is a jstripper and a call girl,
23“But I can’t,
24“Because I’m a kreligious man from a churchgoing family,
25l“Who cares about the things you do,
26“Like programs for the underprivileged,
27m“And lots and lots of water projects in the second district,
28“And getting tough on crime too,
29“Like putting my opponent in jail,
30“Instead of Congress,
31“Which is where he belongs.
32“Jail, I mean,
33“Not Congress,
34“Because you deserve the best you can get in Congress,
35“And that’s ame,
36“Gus Latchit.
37“Thank you.”
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Chapter 16 / 21