THE ORDER OF
Adultification
TO THOSE THAT ARE HARRIFIED,
AND COME TO YEARS OF DISCRETION
¶ Upon the day appointed, all that are to be Adultified shall stand in order before the Arch-Harrier, sitting in his chair near to the Harrier Table, the People all standing until the Harriers’ Brayer; and the Chosen One shall say,
HIGH AND MIGHTY Elder of Harry, I present unto you these persons to receive Paraphernalia from your hands.
¶ Then the Arch-Harrier may say,
Then, when you have spread the Good Word to all my followers, you can move on to even greater works, namely, the establishment of a new institution that will eventually take the place of the ones they used to believe in. This new institution will be called the Pontifical Harrier Parish of the United States of America, and will have its seat in the City of Philadelphia, because Philadelphia is the land of my birth, and besides, there just couldn’t be any more perfect city than Philadelphia for an institution like this one, which will offer everything that Harriers need, including plenty of meaningless rituals, which will have dignified names like Harrification, Adultification, and Consolation, because people just love meaningless rituals, whether they believe in anything or not.
¶ Then shall the Arch-Harrier say,
Do you here, in the presence of a whole bunch of Harriers, renew the promise that you made, or that was made in your name, at your Harrification; reiterating and reinforcing the same; and recognize that you have no choice but to go through with this new ritual before you can be allowed to receive Consolation, which is the whole point of everything in the Harrier Parish?
¶ And every one shall mumble sullenly,
If you say so.
¶ Then shall the Arch-Harrier say,
Do you promise to follow the Way of Harry?
¶ And every one shall reluctantly answer,
I guess so.
Arch-Harrier. All our hopes for an easy life come from Harry;
Answer. Who explained the words of the VIPs.
Arch-Harrier. The Way of Harry is the only way;
Answer. For as long as it lasts.
Arch-Harrier. It is time to say a brayer;
Answer. If we have to.
Arch-Harrier. Let us bray.
All knowing Harry, who has made it possible for these thy apprentices to wash their hands of everything, and to be released from all fear of sin and guilt and hell; wish them the luck to get what thaey want, whenever they want it, even if it’s a Silver Ghost, and hope that your abiding example will daily increase in them the manifold symptoms of your Way: the ability to not think about anything at all, the knowledge that nothing really matters at all, the sense to be the way they are without trying to live up to anything at all; and lend them, O Harry, your own certainty about the importance of fulfilling their own desires, no matter who gets hurt. So there.
¶ Then all of them in order kneeling before the Arch-Harrier, he shall hand out to each one the paraphernalia employed by the local Parish House, saying,
Be proud, O Harry, of this thy Friend; and know that he will follow your Way, for as long as it lasts, and will daily increase in the Desire for Consolation, more and more, until the end of the world to come. So there.
¶ Then shall the Arch-Harrier say,
The Harrier Spirit be with you.
Answer. You too, I guess.
Arch-Harrier. Let us bray.
¶ Then shall the Arch-Harrier say the Harriers’ Brayer, the People kneeling and repeating it with him.
Our friend, who art in Rio, Harry is your name. Your time has come. Your way is fun, up north, as it is in Rio. We live for today and are rarely blamed. We forget our trespasses, as we forget those we have trespassed against. We yield to temptation, but are not evil. For thine is the wisdom, and the power, and the gold, for as long as it lasts. So there.
All knowing Harry, we have done everything which can be done to prepare these apprentices to follow your Way in all things; if things were different, we might have done differently, but our joy in these empty words is so great that we prefer not to think about what might have been, or anything else; rather, we prefer to be pleased that these rude and sullen new adults will get what they need, as we do, from the greatest gift you have given us, which is Consolation, at very competitive prices, for as long as it lasts. So there.
¶ Then shall the Arch-Harrier make the Sign of Harry before the whole Parish, and say,
Most certainly, we all have other things to do now, so let us be about them, and think no more about what we have done today, or any other day, until next we meet for Consolation or other Harrier benefits. So there.
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